Makeup, Food, and Babies

I realize I haven't written on here in a long time.  So here goes nothing.... I moved from Portage to Griffith (about a 35 minute drive) to temporarily live with my dad while I wait for the apartment I want the next town over.  It brings me closer to my support system... since that is exactly what you need when you are

PREGNANT!! Yes, I am pregnant.  I am about 14 weeks along now, My due date has been pushed back to June 2nd.  I couldn't be more excited to embark on this path.  Now, I realize it won't be easy but it will be so worth it!  I'm trading in my baby (my eclipse) for a better suitable car for a child.  Probably a Toyota Corolla since they get great test crash ratings and great gas mileage.  Still driving about a half hour to 45 minutes to work for now but hopefully after baby is here I can switch jobs to something closer to home.

So big changes coming my way haha
-new car
-new place to live
-new ob/gyn

Obviously there is more but that is all I can think of now.  My brain has been running on hyper speed ever since I found out I was pregnant.  But! I have found a few things that I wanted to share with y'all!

I went out and bought the Naked pallet and absolutely love it! Since my old go to pallet had similar shades in it, I already have a go to way to do my make up.  But while perusing for a new way with my new pallet I found this gem and wanted to share it with you!  I tried it out today and just can't get over how much I love it!

I also will be making stuffed mushrooms just because I want to.  I found an awesome recipe, and can't wait to try it out.  Most people use cream cheese and onions and some even use bread crumbs.  However this recipe uses breakfast sausage and it just sounds delectable! You can find the recipe right here and trust me it is worth it!

Tell me these aren't just little gems! And since I love giving my readers little gifts, I have one more thing for y'all!  I have been having serious problems with my boobs since I got pregnant.  However I have found this little mixture that has been just wonderful to them (and helps with stretch marks too!). Since it is all natural, you can use it while breastfeeding.  It is very easy to make and is also cheap! How great is that, easy and cheap! 

It is made out of 2 parts coconut oil, 2 parts shea butter, and 1 part shredded beeswax.  You want to melt the coconut oil over medium heat in a sauce pan.  Then you add the shea butter until that melts completely, stir to mix it together.  Then add the beeswax until this melts.  The beeswax takes the longest to melt so have some patience.  Stir it very well and pour into your jar of choice to keep it in. Allow it to set for about 24 hours.  Then presto! Breastfeeding Boobie Balm cheaper than you can buy in the store! 

Alright, much love y'all and I will let you know how the mushrooms turn out and hopefully have more baby things for you too! 

 

Sometimes We Vent...

I know this isn't medical but I need to vent a little.  First off, I am sunburned like no other... and it sucks.  I went to my sister's soccer game, and well she lost. But it was nice to actually get to see her play. Plus, she sang the National Anthem and let's just say she is amazing at singing.  You can see it here. 

Y'all thought I was kidding, didn't you?

So besides the sun burn, my brand new car is now broken.  Some how the battery is already dead and if I find out its the alternator I'm going to flip shit.  This is not what I wanted to vent about today....

I didn't know that I needed a new asshole.  But, apparently one of my residents family members thought that I did.  Now, this woman is on a lot of oxygen and normally stays on her room condensers.  Not sure if y'all know anything about oxygen but the portables begin to evaporate the second you are done filling them.  Thus, if you fill a portable one day, 24 hours later it will be empty without even using it.  Now that I have explained this, I can tell you that her family member comes and visits every Saturday morning and takes her for a walk.  This is the only day she uses her portable, every other day we leave it empty.  It's a waste of oxygen which if you follow common sense is a waste on money for the facility.  So while I was getting her ready for the day, a nurse came in and let me know that her daughter called and would not be coming in today; therefore I didn't fill her portable. Apparently her daughter didn't like this because I got to hear for the next 45 minutes about how her mothers air should have been filled.  WHY WOULD I FILL IT IF YOU AREN'T USING IT???? 

Worst shift I have ever had.  Cried and chain smoked the whole way home.  That night solidified in my mind my determination to not be an aide forever.  I hate everything.

Post vent sesh and sleep edit: Okay, being a CNA isn’t so bad.  I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression.  It is a highly rewarding job.  I feel incredibly lucky to be afforded the opportunity to interact with and care for such a diverse group of people every night.  I love feeling needed, and I love that I can be of assistance and comfort to someone whose heaviness I could never know.  I don’t know that I’ll ever feel something better than the feeling that washes over me when a patient’s face lights up at the sight of me.  It is a magic that is truly indescribable.  

However, I am still human.  I may have a problem with attaching myself to work (I dream about patients frequently and once a friend gets me going about work I find it difficult impossible to stop), and I work in a hospital. When I have not stopped moving except for brief bouts of charting, have been abused by patients who cannot be pleased no matter how hard I try, and have had the smell of every kind of offensively odorous bodily fluid there ever was residing in my nasal cavities, for 12 hours straight, I may break down.  If there are any new or potential CNAs reading this, don’t think that defines my attitude or the job in general.  Just know that, no matter how well you do with stress management, there are going to be times when you’re like: 

Before collapsing into this state:

But also remember that there are going to be times when you experience that magic I mentioned and you’ll be like:

And those moments will make it all worth it :) 

CNA, Chuck Norris Approved

Work has been kicking my butt.  I love my nursing home, but some days I think everyone has forgotten what it means to be a CNA.  I get so happy seeing my residents get well and progressing but I get so mad at my peers for some of the things they do. I feel a bit bitter today because I was helping EVERYONE on the floor today but an hour till my shift ended my hall was such a mess and no one wanted to help my residents. I was so mad. Plus alot of our patients are extensive and overweight. I’m only 145 pounds and its like fuck….do you really expect me to transfer this person alone?

There’s just so much misscomunication all around and lazy ass cnas. No matter how big your role is you are still doing patient care. I wish people would take their job seriously and compitently .

I’m just so frustrated.

So since I don't have anything long and exciting to tell y'all, I have short snippets for you. Sorry I know, a little lame. 

-On Saturday I had just arrived on shift and was doing report rounding with a co-worker. We had gone into a patients room and while I was receiving report, the patient proceeded to notify me that he was going to bite me. I stared at him for a moment (processing). He then proceeded to ask me if  I minded….

-I was changing an incontinent patient yesterday and I began to raise the bed up. I stopped and turned around to get something off the bedside table and I heard this familiar mechanical noise. I turned around to see the bed still rising with a shocked patient looking at me.I immediately begin pressing the down button which led to this weird power struggle between the bed and I. I was stuck there for few minutes waiting for someone to come down the hall and help me.

When Help arrived the conversation went like this:

Me: Watch this… *bed starts moving up by it self*

Co-worker: You got skills.

Me: Thanks, and while I’ve managed to magically make it go up I can’t seem to make it come back down. Help?

Eventually, we got the bed down. I however never raised the bed again that night. (Please, overly stressed back, forgive me)

- A resident tried to set me up with his grandson Friday. We aren't going into details about that one. 

- I watched an 105-year-old woman dance the Cupid Shuffle. Top that.

- Somebody cursed me by saying the Q word.... 

- Another CNA got bit by a resident, and then beat up by her.  Seriously, we're talking bruises and all.  Then three hours later had apple sauce thrown on her by another resident.  

- One of the nurse at work told me that I was mean. SMDH, really?? Just cause I was running around getting stuff for a new patient and your patient wanted a bath at the end of my shift and I said “No”. I had already gave baths, rounds, clean rooms, and trying to do some last minute charting. But she was on the internet, looking at her phone and running her mouth. She could have easily set the women up or tell her that night shift will clean her.

-I was getting this guy dressed the other morning and he only had one sock and I was looking everywhere for the other one and then I remembered he only had one leg.

Okay seriously I will stop lacking eventually.  But until then, enjoy this video because I love to make y'all laugh. Much love, always. 

CNA, Certified Nasty Asshole

So today one of my resident alarm was beeping and I didn’t know that it meant that the battery needed to be changed so I just left it there. Then this 3rd shift aide came and she was like completely shitty, and let me describe it in detail. She was yelling, talking ghetto, pointing finger at me and said

"You need to change that battery before you leave here cause I ain’t dealing with 3-11 shit. You won't change it and neither will they. I’m done."

Pat.

Pat the CNA.

So you’re over 50 years old, a CNA, talks like a ghetto chick, swears like a sailor, and complains about every little thing? Oh yea, and I think you came with the building when it was built. 

I don’t usually judge people on their social status and their job but wow. Woooow. You obviously didn’t do things right when you were my age. So I can’t blame you for being the way you are. What can I say? I hate using this saying but your mother did not raise you well. I’m not sorry lady cause it’s the truth. I can’t even call you a lady cause your not one. If you think that’s attractive to act that way then you have some serious issue.

& Pat.

Pat the CNA who works 3rd shift.

If you’re saying that it’s because you’re speaking out your mind and your just saying what’s wrong. No. Just no. There are so many different way to approach the situation. The way you did it was just unacceptable.

That was humiliating and yes I get that I should’ve known that I should’ve changed the battery but in all honesty. I’m pretty sure you didn’t have the authority to do that. To tell me that I have to go track down a battery to change the battery or else I couldn't go back to my residents who need to get up for breakfast.

… What?

Yeah Pat.

Pat, only the 3rd shift CNA.

I don’t think you had that authority at all. How would you feel if I humiliated you like that? What happen if you first started working here and I was a veteran like you and acted that was towards you? If you said that you would deal with it with no problems then you have no compassion and this isn’t the job for you. With that attitude, you have the potential to create a hostile environment. Shame on you. & if all you do is complain, then you need to find yourself another job or get over it.

& when I walked down the hall to get the battery. She said it loud and clear. Way too loud for the residence who were sleeping that “I should be doing my job instead of wasting your time to read a book.” I wasn’t reading a book. I was making a list of what I should do before I go to bed. That list includes the following: apply for the nursing program at a different college, find out how much my books cost this semester, budget for a QMA class, and possibly see if I can pick up a second job in my field. .

Does that look like I’m wasting my time?

Pat.

Pat the CNA who’s completely miserable.

You will be forever remember in this post as a miserable bitch. :)

Sincerely,

The future nurse/Radiologist you looked down on.

P.S “Pat is a fucking bitch. Always has been” I didn’t say it. Someone else did. :D

Bed Bugs Biting....

If you have ever had a bad day, I think I probably have you beat.  I just love when my residents are having a bad day as well.  Apparently the bed bugs bit everyone at work today and left them getting out on the wrong side and just plain angry.  My first resident that I had to get up set the mood for the entire day.  Now I normally walk in and sing to her to wake her up (cheesy, yes I know), but when she opened her eye today all she had was a lovely response of "Fuck off, get the hell out of my room you rat."  Well then.  After struggling to get her dressed, and even bribing her with her 0730 cigarette, she was not having any part of getting up.  While trying to transfer her from her bed to her wheelchair, she decided my arm sounded tastier than breakfast to her.  After nibbling on my forearm and trying to take a chunk with her finger nails with her for a snack, I finally got her in her chair.  Battle scars I tell ya.  Her tirade wasn't done with just me yet however.

As we sat in the restorative dining room (where we take those who have to be fed or prompted to eat, or even just watched while eating) a nurse tried to help her eat since she hadn't touched her pancakes yet.  Clearly she was still full on tasty Lauren meat. As he sat there and tried to feed her she let out this shriek that I have never heard before. Imagine a cross between a dying cat and a walrus mating.  It was almost terrifying.  She looked at him as serious as a heart attack and screamed, "YOU STOP HITTING ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT OR I WILL HAVE YOU KILLED IN YOUR SLEEP!"  Y'all, I can't even make this shit up.  Poor thing sat there looking so shocked she had yelled at him that he might as well cry.  Unfortunately this is how people get fired.  Think about it, if he had been in her room without the three nurses and four CNA's that were in the dining room with him, he would have had no witnesses to claim he hadn't hit her.  And what about evidence you might ask?  Old people bruise like 2 week over ripe bananas.  They blink and they get a bruise.  I swear.

There was a highlight to my day.  I got to shower one of my residents who's laugh is contagious.  While in the shower I like to let the residents hold the sprayer, it gives them a sense of independence, even though I am still doing all the washing.  While he was giggling away, he turned the sprayer on me and started to give me the shower!  Seriously, I got to walk around the rest of the day (or at least until my scrubs dried out) soaking wet.  Oh yes.

Hope y'all are having a great day! Much love to y'all!

Medical Jargon

So, I have decided to take this blog a different way.  Since I have been busier than a whore in the Red Light District with both my jobs and schooling, I have been trying to come up with good ideas to write about.  While sitting in the medical section of Barnes and Nobles the other day, I found a book that I plan on devouring soon.  It's called, "Confessions of a Surgeon."  The author goes into real life problems and incidents as a teaching guides for young surgeons coming up through the farm.  Now how many of you have seen the movie Waiting?  It's a first hand look at how waiters work.  Now obviously it is geared to be a comedy, but it was based off of a book where the author basically wrote about how much it sucked being a waiter.  So why couldn't I do the same with my job?  Besides the obvious with HIPAA and what not, I started looking into it.  As long as I changed their names and never disclose where I work (or at least change the name) I can talk freely about anything going on. Thus, the new blog idea was born.  I am going to talk about real life problems as a CNA/PCA and an up and coming medical student.

Now while you are training for you CNA certification, you are considered a BNA.  I like to call them snowflakes, because they often flake out on you and are state mandated to wear white scrubs.  The problem with these BNAs, they often forget that they control someones life while they are on the clock. Some don't realize how much they do control, or how much responsibility rests on their shoulders. But, we all start somewhere and we were all snowflakes at some point, so in due time they will learn all the tricks to the trade. However, while on the floor the BNAs have to ask to breath let alone give any care as any person on our floor are our responsibilities, and while we might not have given the care (right or wrong) we are responsible for them.  Which means, if they mess up, it's out fault.  And our certification.   

We have had these snowflakes on the floor with us for about two weeks now.  Most of them have gripped the concept by now, but some of them just feel they are God's gift and no longer have anything to learn from us.  When we have one of these dirty snowflakes with their nose up in the air, we strike them down, hard.  Shelby is one of those.  Now on our hall, we have a few residents who are on a fluid restriction.  Basically, if we let them, they would drink the Atlantic ocean and then pee themselves for the next 6 hours.  So, like a bar we have to cut them off.  During lunch, these residents with a drinking problem are all tagged, so it becomes easier to recognize them.  Now like I said before, the BNAs are not allowed to do ANYTHING without asking us if it is okay.  It was just another lunch, same thing different day.  The snowflakes were helping out in the dinning room, shouldn't be too hard right? Apparently it was.  Now, we had warned the snowflakes of our heavy drinkers, and reminded them to not refill any of their drinks.  

Well, Shelby decided she knew more than we did and refilled Mama K's coffee cup.  We noticed after she quickly downed the cup that Shelby had refilled her cup. After reminding her again to not refill her drink, we continued to help the other snowflakes feed some of our other residents.  But guess what? Shelby decided to refill her cup again.  Oh we aren't done yet, she then gave her a glass of water.  This probably doesn't seem like that big of deal, but trust me it was.  Poor Mama K didn't stand a chance.  She barely made it down the hall in her wheel chair before she was dripping piss.  Naturally, we got lovely Shelby to come change her.  Mean? No, learning experience.  We figured she could handle changing a brief (a nicer way of saying adult diaper) by herself.  After about 20 minutes, she came and found me to ask if I could take her oxygen off since as a BNA she can't legally take that off of a resident.  Now, this was step one so what was she doing for 20 minutes?  Oh well, I'll let it slide.  I get the oxygen and let her get back to doing what she was gifted to do.  As if her pouting about having to change a brief wasn't funny enough for us (it was a long day, it was funny) as Shelby was transferring Mama K to the porcelain thrown, Mama K decided to piss and shit all over Shelby's leg and shoes, oh and the floor.  Shelby ran out of the room, running down the hall way, tracking her present with her.  

She ran and started crying to her teacher, asking her if house keeping could go clean the room up.  Like a good teacher, Jay informed her that house keeping doesn't deal with bio-hazards such as blood, or shit, handed her a sanitizer bottle and told her to not miss a spot.  So picture this girl, in sweats a size too small, knelt on the ground cleaning this up.  The entire time she is cussing us out just loud enough so we can hear.  Honestly, it might have been the funniest thing I have ever seen.  If you're wondering what happened to Mama K, don't worry.  We helped her get cleaned up the right way, no more snowflakes for her.  

I think that will be the first segment for this blog, don't want to give away all my stories on the first post.  But I will leave you with a little gem.  Now we are all a bit loopy around the nursing home.  You kind of have to be to deal with the end result of some of the residents.  But imagine seven CNAs and three nurses all in a conga line, running around the home asking everyone if they knew what day it was.... that's right HUMP DAAAYYYYY!!!! Yea, we're nuts.  But hey, we bring great joy to the the residents and that's all that matters.  Much love y'all!

Greetings from Under my Rock!

Hey y'all! I know, you normally have to wait at least another week or so to hear from me these days. Spontaneous posting!!! No in all reality I have just been way too busy to post anything it seems.  I figured since the last time I did an update, it kind of sucked I would fill you in to what the latest is in my life, and maybe tell some funny stories from the past month as well.  I will gladly let y'all laugh at my expense.  

So, as for the job in the grocery store.... ya, I quit that job.  I just couldn't handle it anymore.  The women acted as if they were all about 14 years old and the drama was more abundant than glitter in a kindergarten art class.  It was more work trying to keep the stories straight than the actual job entailed. I found out from the rumor mill that apparently I am engaged and pregnant.  Both news to me (and no, I am not either).  The manager would schedule horrible hours, by that I mean she would schedule you about 18-22 hours, and then call you in on all the days she had you scheduled off.  Which, I am definitely not complaining about being called in (I picked up more hours there than anyone else) but when she hands you your schedule and tells you to not plan anything for your days off because she plans on calling you in.... why don't you just schedule me on these days in the first place?  I don't know maybe I am just simple minded and that makes too much sense to me.  The job was simple and straight forward, but it was back in the food industry which I hate.  I didn't go get certified to work in the medical field to fry chicken for 8 hours a day.  No sir.  Now I have started the job at the nursing home, which I absolutely adore.  Everyone is so kind, and although it will take some time to adjust from my old nursing home, it is definitely a place I can look forward to working for quite some time at. 

The day I went in and got this job was one of the funniest experiences I have ever had. I had simply gone in to fill out a job application, which if you have ever filled out an application for a medical institution you know that they basically want you to write a novel about every place you have ever taken a breath. I go to turn in this application and the woman at the front desk tells me that director of nursing wants to talk to me.  Oh, alright. I can't think when the last time was that I interviewed but now I am instantly nervous.  He gets off of his phone call and calls me into his office.  We start the random bullshit talk, ranging from our favorite food to vacation spots.  We finally land of schooling.  I start complaining about a certain college who would not work with my FAFSA and tried telling me my legal court documents were not proof enough that I was emancipated (even though the documents clearly state I am, with a judges signature).  It just so happens that his son had a similar problem with the same school.  Of course that makes me ask about his son, which turns out graduated high school the same year as me... and I know him.  Small world after all, eh?  He takes a 30 second look at my resume, and asks if I want a tour.  Of course I agree!  During our tour we have more small talk, and he introduces me to the head charge nurse.  Mind you, at this point we have not talked about the position or really anything substantial.  When he introduces me to the charge nurse, he slips a little tid bit about how I am a recent hire.  Well, again news to me!  To make this part shorter, by the time we get back to his office, I have the job and he wants me to start as soon as possible.  I fill out paperwork signing my life away to another company and we move on.  But as if this wasn't enough, while walking to the nurses station to get my TB test done, we walk past a group of BNA's (for those of you who don't know, you are a BNA while in training for your CNA certification.  Or if you don't pass your state test you're still a BNA until you do).  The director introduces me and one of the girls in the class proceeds to tell me how I will love the program this that and the other.  I go on to tell her I am already a CNA and PCA, that I just got hired.  You would have thought I told her I was Taylor Swift the way she reacted.  I was then berated with questions about how I like being a CNA, what my past experiences were like, had I ever seen a dead person, etc. I seriously felt like I was on top of the world.  Come on now, I have only been a CNA for a year, you would have thought I was the person who created the heart valve.  On top of that, (because that wasn't enough) during one of the director and I's conversations, we were discussing the different assisting and transferring equipment they have on the market.  Since I have worked at both a nursing home and a hospital with two very different budgets I had seen both ends of the scale.  He informs me he wants to consult me on which lifts they are going to buy since I have used all of them.  Uhm, hi my name is HOLY CRAP ARE YOU SERIOUS?!  Do they think I am Mother Teresa? Apparently.  And I am not arguing. 

 

I'm moving again!  This is not something I am terribly excited about.  When the ex and I originally broke up, my living situation was only supposed to be temporary.  I finally have a new place to move and I think it is for the best.  I am very appreciative of him for letting me rent his second bedroom and allowing my to lay my head somewhere other than the curb.   However, when it is all said and done I think it is best for ex's not to live with each other.  I think we made the best of the situation and coexisted as best as two people can.  But, at the end of the day we both need our space from each other.  Hopefully we don't become strangers and can still be friends.  I'm moving in with friends to a huge house.  I get the basement to myself for awhile, and my own bathroom.  Not sure why this is so exciting for me, but apparently having your own bathroom is to me.  It is only about 5 minutes from where I live now, so I don't have to try and learn a whole new area.  But I hate packing all of my possessions up and moving.  I don't even know where to get boxes at around here.  I do not want to buy them, so I think I'm going to hit up McDonalds or maybe Walmart and try and snag some.  Or maybe I'll just jack them from a  homeless guy. Okay, kidding about that one.  

I'm dating again as well... and that is about all there is to say about that.  Sorry, I don't want to publicize unless it becomes something.  And even then, we all know I won't tell you that much.  Sorry guys! 

On to the car front!  A friend of mine is away with the military currently and is letting me use his truck.  So for the time being, I have a Dodge Ram.  It is super weird to go form compact cars to a truck all of the sudden, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't love being behind that steering wheel. But don't worry, I won't run over y'all.  Just know that I can haha.  

College bound for the third time... I have applied to a few colleges and heard back from two so far.  Both have accepted me into their nursing program.  For those of you who don't know, I am going to get my BS in Nursing, then go to med school for Radiology, followed by a 4 year residency and a 1 year fellowship.  I will then be Dr. Lauren Pleasant BSN RN RR (R)(T)(N)(ARRT).  Mouthful right? Still trying to figure out how they will fit that all on my lab coat, but I am thinking if I have all of my Radiology credentials on my coat, I can safely drop the nursing credentials.  Just a thought.  

So! Hopefully y'all are still reading, and not snoring too loudly if you aren't.  Don't say I never fill y'all in on what is going on in my life! Now you know more than most people do haha.  Hopefully all of your lives are going splendid and you have no complaints.  I am currently on vacation until tomorrow, which is a nice little break I will say.  Smile and enjoy the sunshine! Much love y'all! 

Table for On- err Two!

Greetings from under the rock I have been hiding under.  I could go on and on about the things that has happened since I last wrote, but the abridged version is that I acquired two new jobs (both in the medical field) and have been accepted to two different colleges for their nursing program.  Alright down to the dirty business, dating again.  How do you know when you are ready to date again? There are a few steps you need to take (or at least acknowledge) before you just plunge right in.  

Deal With Your Unfinished Business

Take a closer look at the unfinished business in all of your relationships and any resulting patterns that surface. By examining the role you play in each interaction you have with loved ones, you'll not only be able let go of your past, but you'll also learn more about your motivations and expectations for future relationships as well.

Reflect on Negative Self-Talk

Have you ever noticed when you are alone the things you say to yourself without thinking? "I'll never get married," or "Why would anyone ever find me attractive?" are both examples of negative talk. Take a notebook around with you for a day and write down each time you say something to yourself that isn't very nice. Later, challenge your negative self-talk using simple and free methods like EFT.

Define Your Needs

There is a fine line between having realistic relationship expectations and being open to whatever comes your way. Therefore, keeping an open mind while still remembering what's truly important to you in a relationship is ideal.

Feel Confident

Confidence and self-esteem are crucial to putting your best foot forward and making a great first impression. Make sure to take the time to ease your nerves and deal with any dating fears before starting to date again.

Make Space in Your Life for Love

Taken from Feng Shui (translated as the art of placement), making space for love in your life means clearing all clutter so that there's room for someone or something new.

Determine If It's Better To Wait

There are some situations in life that aren't conducive to finding a date. Not only will you be wiser, you'll be less stressed out and more able to be receptive to someone new if you take a break from dating when things are less than optimal.

Once you have gone through this... its time to just jump right in a start it all over again. However, getting back into dating can be downright terrifying. You put your most private self on the line, leaving your deepest fears and most ardent wishes open and vulnerable. If you’re just getting started again after being in a long-term relationship, you face a vast unknown—not just in how dating itself has changed, but in how you have changed.

You’re not the same person you were when you first started dating, and odds are you still see yourself as belonging with someone, as part of a couple. Even though you know you are no longer in a relationship, the thought of dating can still feel vaguely like cheating.

If you are new to dating again, you might be suffering from deer-in-the-headlights syndrome, seeing time itself heading straight for you, knowing you have to move but remaining frozen to the spot nonetheless.  If you have been dating unsuccessfully for a while and are ready to give up, the thought of another frustrating date makes your couch seem even more inviting on a Saturday night.

What can you do to push yourself forward without losing your balance? How can you change your dating landscape just enough to see something on the horizon worth heading toward? Start simply. Take these three basic steps and you just might find you enjoy the walk so much that you keep right on going.

1. Decide the big question once and for all: Do you want to date again or not? Do you want companionship and love, or do you genuinely prefer to stay single? I’m not asking if you want to keep going on miserable dates or if you are afraid to date again. Put those concerns aside. Do you want to date, period? If dating were fun and you were able to meet interesting men and enjoy new experiences and perspectives, would you want to keep dating?

If you are not interested in dating at all, regardless of the dating circumstances, then by all means, don’t date. But if you do want to date, if you want to make meaningful connections with men and have a blast doing it, then understand one thing: You no longer have the option to back out or quit. Because you’ve decided that you really don’t want to quit. You just want to date well.

So when you are scared, hurt, nervous, or frustrated, you can do any combination of things: change your strategy, learn new tools for handling your emotions and your situation, seek help, seek healing—absolutely anything but give up.

2. Stop hiding behind your excuses.

I’m sure you can (and probably have) come up with millions of reasons for not getting back into dating. You’re too busy, or you think you’re too old or not attractive enough to make dating worthwhile. Maybe you blame men: They aren’t interested in an intelligent, strong woman. They’re just looking for sex.

But every last one of your excuses comes from the same place: Fear. Fear of being rejected, hurt, humiliated, or disappointed yet again. Fear of the unknown. Maybe even fear of finding someone and then having to deal with all the complications that comes with fitting him into your already complex life.

You can and should address the individual reasons that are holding you back because they do affect your confidence and your approach to dating and to yourself, and you can actually improve your dating skills by facing your fears in specific ways.

But here, I want to focus on one thing. Regardless of your excuses, and regardless of your fears, you have decided you want to date again. You have committed to not quitting. Otherwise, you would have stopped reading at number 1 above.

This means that your excuses for not dating are at most problems with dating that you can, and have decided to, solve. It doesn’t mean that your fears aren’t valid or understandable. Of course they are! That’s exactly why your response to them should be to figure out how to overcome them rather than letting them overcome you and your desire to date. And you don’t have to do this alone.

3. Get help!

Dating is about interaction. It’s about connecting with people and building relationships. Yet most of us feel like we are on our own when it comes to preparing to date and handling the myriad complex issues that revolve around dating again after being in a long-term relationship.  But would you practice for a ballroom dance competition by dancing alone? Would you train for a basketball game by yourself, then just jump into the game with the team? Of course not. The best way to prepare for a fun and exciting experience with other people is to learn with, and from, other people.

Developing a good support network is a start, but for many of us, it isn’t enough. Having someone to talk to about dates gone awry is invaluable, but you also need someone to help you make future dates go better. Dating requires skill just like any art, sport, or profession does. You probably didn’t get where you are today in your career or your craft without developing some skills along the way. Dating is no different.

So stop blaming yourself for not magically knowing how to make your dates successful. Now that you have committed to pursuing the dating life you have always dreamed of (and that youdeserve), get help to start tackling your fears and learning the skills you need to start looking forward to every date and all the promise of fun, exhilaration, and passion each date holds.

Just wait... there's more!

Just as there are perfect times in one's life to meet someone new, there are also times when it is better to take a break from dating. Wondering when not to date? Read on to see if your circumstances fit any of these criteria. If one or more fit your current situation, its time to rethink your dating strategy and possibly take a dating break.

If a Long Term Relationship Ended in the Past Six Months

Even if you didn't marry your former partner, long term relationships still take their toll when they end. Dating someone on the rebound right after another relationship is not only a mistake but it can lead to disaster, because most people are more vulnerable and needy than normal in the aftermath of a breakup. Instead, work through the stages of Dating Prep completely before thinking about dating again, which should take approximately six months of hard work for most people.

If Someone Close To You Has Recently Passed On

If you are already in a strong relationship when someone in your life passes, there is no reason to end things suddenly. However, if you've just started dating someone or are trying to meet new people when a loved one dies, it may be better to take a dating break for at least a couple of months. Grief hits us all in different ways; allow yourself the time to really work through your loss, before getting involved with someone new.

If You Are Without a Job, House, or Both

Sure, things happen. People lose their jobs, move, quit, and relocate all the time. Still, if you don't have a place to call home or a steady source of income, its time to take a dating break. Focus on your immediate shelter and income needs for now, and soon enough you'll have the energy, space and money to invest in someone new.

If There Are Unresolved Addiction or Mental Health Issues Present

Unresolved is the key term for this specific dating break notation. If you are in therapy and have their consent, in recovery, or have beaten the odds and no longer suffer on a day-to-day basis from a mental health or addiction disorder, there is no reason to stop dating. However, if you are suicidal, haven't been taking medications prescribed by your doctor, or aren't actively working towards recovery, its time to start.

If You Are Separated But Not Divorced Yet

Separation is a challenge no matter what the individual circumstances. Trying to date someone new while managing a legal breakup with someone else positively is almost impossible. Give yourself at least a month for every year the two of you were together and/or married to work through the myriad of emotions you are facing before even thinking about dating again.

Since I am currently going through this, I figured it would be relevent to talk about in a blog. Don't say I never told y'all about my life ;) Much love y'all!

The First Cut is the Deepest, or is it the Third?

I think it is safe to say almost all of us have experienced a breakup before.  Some are more devastating than others.  Some make you feel worthless, others make you feel good about yourself.  So why is it, that when it comes to letting go, it's so hard?  One would think no matter how the breakup went, it should be easy to just close that door.  Think about that for a second if you're disagreeing with me.  If it makes you feel good about yourself, then you should be able to stand tall and walk away with your dignity intact (or most of it).  You're feeling good so there is no picking yourself up off the ground.  But, if you have been broken and are completely shattered by this breakup and have to pick yourself up off the ground, why is it so hard to just finish the chapter?  They hurt you, or you hurt them, whatever the case may be it hurts.  So, why not just shut the portal of hurt and move along with your life?

I guess I am saying this because I am trying to figure out my own emotions.  When the ex and I split, I figured I would cry like most people do and move on.  And I thought that I had- but if I am truly honest with myself then I know that I am not.  Have I had guys try and pursue me? Heck yes.  Have I felt anything at all to make me want to let them pursue, or better yet pursue them back? That no would be as fat as a pig on Sunday.  I mean, I knew I had some serious feelings for him, seeing as I left a fiance and a family for him.  But lets be honest here, why can't I just turn around and shut the door?  Should be easy, or at least it is for him.  He goes out with girls, and has a great time.  Nothing wrong with that.  But what is his magical secret?  I mean, how do I get rid of that jealous twinge in my side when he gets that smile talking about another girl?  Or maybe this is why ex's just should live together.

There has to be something more to this riddle than I am seeing.  I mean, I always thought that I had this great ability to bounce back from things.  So why not this?  After my first boyfriend (which lasted 4 years), I was damn sure upset.  Wouldn't you be after 4 years of the same person being in your life and then they suddenly walking out of it?  But I feel like I wasn't this upset over things.  There was one or two factors that were different that might be playing right into the equation here.  One, I didn't live with my first boyfriend, so I didn't get to have those everyday encounters.  You expect to see them, but not everyday before work, after work, and every evening.  Two, I don't still live with him.  And although he does have the "honor" of being my first love, I don't think many people expect their first loves to be their last.

Or maybe it's because of the ominous, "maybe we will get back together down the road." Every girls least favorite words (almost as bad as "it's not you, it's me).  I'm not exactly sure why people say this. Maybe they do just to lessen the blow of the split, but really it's just false hope.  I only know one person who has ever gotten back together with an ex and followed through on those words.  Whatever the case may be, I think people need to stop saying this as much.  We throw around words like love and forever, and don't truly mean it.  Empty promises are abundant and the false hope is flooding over the optimists' buckets.

I meant for this not to be as personal as I just made this.  I think I more or less just ranted instead of vaguely pointing out problems.  I kinda suck at not exploiting details.  Nevertheless, hopefully you followed my logic.  Much love y'all!

Political Bitch....

Hey y'all! Sorry I have been so busy lately, it has been very crazy around here lately. I'm now trying to work two jobs, one at a local breakfast restaurant and the other at a grocery store.  Still trying to get back into the medical field.  The ex and I have agreed to let me pay him monthly to use one of his vehicles so I can branch out from the one medical facility around this area to possibly working at one farther out of the area.  Doing this, I can make more money and buy my own vehicle, as well as save for schooling and pay off my debt that I haven't yet paid off.   However, I always have a problem with something going on in this world..... so here is my time to bitch.  It's political and I am not going to hold back any of my feelings; so if you're feeling highly irritable today or just plain easily agitated, I suggest you don't read this.

So I am not completely educated with the current issues politically like I should be, but I do know how they are affecting me.  As someone who is trying to rebuild their life, I have been trying to get a better job.  However, in this job market I can only scrap some minimum wage jobs.  Thanks to Obama, I can no longer work a real "part-time" job.  Employers are only willing to let you work about 20-27 hours a week, so they don't have to give you health coverage.  Two years ago, I was able to work 38 hours a week at a part time job and still make great money.  No, I'm not trying to make this a long term deal and work at a minimum wage job for the rest of my life, but trying climb the stepping stones of my the work force is hard enough with money problems.  I feel like people (or at least my friends and me) have to work two jobs just to make their bills.  I know I am not living outside my means, I don't even have a car or car insurance with bills, for the simple fact that I can't afford it and know this.  But (and this is simply my opinion) why is a man who preaches that he will help the work force and the unemployment rates make such a ridiculous bill?  Or maybe, that was his master plan to help unemployment, as everyone would have to work 2 jobs, thus making employment go up.  Not sure just stating my opinion.  I just feel like it is simply impossible for the college age bracket to try and work and go to school.  

I know that most people are conventional, and have FAFSA or help with paying for college.  But for those of us who don't have that luxury, we have to work to pay for schooling.  Now how are we suppose to work two jobs to pay for our schooling, and be able to attend class and study sufficiently for exams?  We have created a work horse generation; where we eat, work, study, down some energy supplements  work and start it all over again.  Now while this will help the economy (I'm sure), it will burn people out so quickly.  People who have great will power and great perseverance will finally get out of this 5 year zombie walk. However with this cycle, and the poor sleep or the lack of energy will cause more on job accidents.  And once someone who has been working 2 jobs and grinding the wheels for a few years gets money to sit there and not do anything, isn't this more incentive to just continue to sit there and collect money?  Just saying, maybe it's because I have watched people do this or I have encountered people who are collecting unemployment or disability for no other reason than they feel like sitting on their asses and not doing any work. So shouldn't we either create an incentive for those of us who are still working or somehow cut down on these ridiculous laws and incentive programs for those who don't work.  

This is all simply my opinion, so please don't jump down my throat and tell me I'm wrong.  I know there are many places where my opinions will differ from MANY other people. But this is just how I feel trying to go through the motions.  Sorry for my long rant, just feel like it isn't as easy to succeed in life as it was 5 years ago.  I'll try not to bitch anymore.  Still love y'all.  

The One

The One

Everybody’s looking for “The One”. That person who completes you, your other half. Sometimes you think you’ve found them, and they slip out of your hands. You think to yourself, “What do I do now? It was them. They were it. I’ll never love anyone like that again.” And you know what? You won’t. Every love is unique. Every love is special. Sometimes, we get blinded by our love and we think that our current love is our only option, and losing it just isn't an option. So when we do lose it, (and lets face it, we do most of the time) we fall apart because we think we’ve run out of options. If we honestly sit down and think about it though, we’ll find that there are so many other people to explore and get to know. Every love is an adventure, and just like people, no two adventures or experiences will be the same. You will learn something new from every failed relationship and every broken heart. Every memento, every t-shirt or necklace you never gave back, every memory, is a lesson.

Here’s how I see it.

When you’re born, your heart is whole. It is pure, and perfect. As you grow up, as you start to gain conscious thought and opinions and start to feel, it gets warped and broken. Even little kids. From the moment you start being conscious of the feeling of love, your heart starts to fracture. It’s a little bit like horcruxes, only with people. Every person you love, will carry a piece of your heart with them forever. Your parents, your siblings, your friends, your failed relationships, people you wish you could get back, someone you’re with right now, they all have a piece of your heart. Our hearts all have pieces missing from all of the people we’ve loved.

And when we find someone who's broken parts fit into ours, that is when we've found "The One."

Just think about it darlings. Much love y'all. 

Coexistence...

It's been awhile!  I know I am epicly sucking at writing posts these days.

As you know, the ex and I live together with a roommate. It's like one big bachelor pad. Or a frat house, depending if you look in our pantry or not.  But can the opposite sexes really be just friends?  Most people's automatic response is no. However, why is that?  We coexist in many places, the workplace, schools, heck even gas stations and grocery stores.  But is that because we're only briefly near each other?  Is this platonic experience just a facade, an elaborate dance covering up countless sexual impulses bubbling just beneath the surface?  

Part of this confusion stems from the media.  A certain classic film starring Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal  convinced the nation of moviegoers that sex always comes between men and women, making true friendship impossible.  Television hasn't helped much either.  Almost every classic show has one couple whom you wait and wait for the sexual tension to break, and for them to end up together.  And ultimately romance occurs and everyone is happy.  Come on, think about it.  Monica and Chandler, Meredith and Derrick Sheppard, even Sam and Diane.

But I think the key to it all, is whether you have clearly defined that you are just friends.  Think about it.  There is always that guy who claims he got led on.  Maybe he did, or maybe he never even implied he wanted more.  If you don't know where that line is, then who is he to claim she crossed it?  Furthermore, those guys who claim to get "friend zoned," did they ever say that they wanted more?  And when they did speak up was it too late?

Side note here, (sorry random thoughts pop up in my head and I can't stop them) if these guys got friend zoned, doesn't this just prove the fact that opposite sexes can be friends?  Or at least attempt to be friends?  Just saying....

But the biggest problem that comes between the just friends stigma, is the sexual attraction.  A simple hug could take on more than you're implying.  A normal hug, for just a little bit longer could send a mind on overdrive.  Let's face it, they have one half and we have the other and it would be really convenient to just slip and let it happen.  But if you have set those boundaries to a "no fun extras" kind of relationship then obviously you can't just give in.  That doesn't mean those feelings aren't going to pop up here and there, and most the time they aren't welcome.  You just have to swallow them and move on from them, if you really want that friendship to work.

Basically, if you have the will power, you can be friends with the opposite sex.  It's not a matter of "how our minds are wired" or any other bullshit reason you throw at me.  I honestly lost my entire train of thought.... so I'm just going to give up now.

Impossible People

Have you ever encountered one of those impossible people?  They are the ones you can NEVER make happy.  No mater how hard you try or whatever you do, you will never succeed at making them happy.  I have two of these people in my life.  And I have yet to figure out how to tackle them.  You really can't make them happy, and I think I have figured out one reason why.  They don't even know what makes themselves happy.

Think about it, if you don't know how to make yourself happy, and you're always going to be relying on others to make you happy.  But because you don't know what makes you happy, they won't be able to make you happy.  And therefore, if you can't make yourself happy, no one will ever really make you truly happy. Make sense? Hopefully you understood that.

I just can't begin to figure out what is going on.  I'm not even sure where this post was going honestly.    There are just some things in life that just aren't maybe worth fixing.  Or maybe it's just not worth trying to fix something that someone else is going to keep breaking.  I mean the reality of the matter is if someone is going to continue to break something, wouldn't you get annoyed with trying to fix it everyday?

Yea, me too.  I have come to the realization that I just can't continue to fix something that is so far broken, and when I try to fix it they just snap it in half.  Gah- I just need to stop talking to people.  Seriously, I can't take anymore of this crap.

Much to love all of you. Hopefully y'all are having better days then I am lately.

Welcome to Rock Bottom

Hey y'all! As promised, I have pictures of the new tattoo.  I am not completely done with it yet, but hopefully soon enough I will be able to show you the completely finished product.  But I am in love with it, and hopefully it stops oozing soon (sorry for all y'all non-tattoo people who have no idea what I'm talking about).

Absolutely love it, it will look better 

when it is healed.

Tonight's blog is something that I have alluded to previously.  Getting back up on your feet after you have been knocked down to the ground.  I have had to do this twice now.  It never gets any easier.  Maybe I'm a sucker for the ones who need to be picked up themselves.  With my ex-fiance, I spent over $23,000 on him.  I have nothing to show for it.  That was basically everything that I made that year, and I am still almost $10,000 in debt because of it (yea, I know I am an idiot).  My life goals have been pushed and pushed until they have almost broke.  And don't get me wrong, I have bounced back before from being almost without anything, the only advantage I had last time to this time is a vehicle. 

Why do we always run to the person who is broken?  Sarah Kay says it the best in her spoken word poem from her TED appearance  "And baby, I'll tell her, don't keep your nose up in the air like that.  I know that trick, I've done it a million times. You're just smelling for smoke to follow the trail back to the burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him.  Or else to find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him." You can watch the whole thing right here. I can't say I am much better than this.  I always seem to find the person who is broken or otherwise shattered and try to help him.  Even when they are unwilling to take the help.  And in my mind I know I can't help those who don't want the help, but my heart keeps trying and trying and always wins.  And in the end I end up trampled on by so many.  But I run into the next person who is on their knees begging and I open up my heart, hoping there is more left for them.  And it ends up being more for them to trample on.  

And who do I really have to blame for any of this? I would obviously be numero uno.  However, I have repeated this action over and over with my own father, almost making it a "practice makes permanent"  type situation.  In my head I know he will never change, however I continue to make room for him in my life (and heart) knowing all along that he will never change, but praying that he does.  And in the end? I end up broken and hurt all over again.  20 years of the same thing over and over again.  The definition of idiocy is repeating the same action over and over again and hoping for a different outcome.  Does this make me an idiot?  Or a idealist who always hopes for the better of the two outcomes?  

And even after 20 years of always putting others first, and against all odds, I became the one on my knees begging.  My life was back on track, 2 jobs in the medical field and going to college.  And in 2 weeks, everything fell apart. I was out of school and out of a job (or both for that matter).  My life was in shambles and I became the one who was begging for someone to help me. And along came my ex, who has the exact mentality of myself.  We are always putting others before ourselves.  And he did. I can never thank him for what he has and is still doing for me.  He uprooted himself to South Bend to live with me and support me, driving 2 hours to work and 2 hours home, getting 6 hours of sleep a night if he was lucky.  He threw his entire life savings into helping me stay afloat.  And I let him.  I am not even sure how I let it happen, I always turn down help (ask my mother).  I fought about leaving the place in South Bend and taking on the debt, and I ended up taking it on anyways so we could relocate back towards home.  He did everything he could to help me, and I trampled over him like everyone has always done to me.  Without even noticing it, I became those people that I have had to completely change my life around for, those people who have set my dream back and back even more.  

What have I learned through all of this?  I took the wrong classes in high school.  Okay, that was a joke, but in all seriousness I do wish there was a class that would have prepared me for this.  At my high school we had to take electives like Home-Ec and Workshop.  Where were the classes on how to make a budget?  Or how to manage time? Or how to do taxes?  Where were the real life talks, where we illuminated the fact that you can be a regional manager of a large corporation, with only a GED?  Where was the lesson on how to overcome all the obstacles you will get thrown at you?  Where is the algorithm for the perfect mixture of chocolate and tears to get over a heartbreak?  No where. That's where.  You learn those on your own, or from example from parents and guardians, or from the hard times like this.  

A wise man once told me that you need 4 things to survive; food, clothing, housing, and transportation.  And sometimes its hard to even get those.  Since I am a girl, I have enough clothing to last me a lifetime.  As for food? Ramen and sweet tea seem to fill me up just fine (and only cost about $1.20 a day).  Housing... that's a hard one right now.  However I am fortunate enough to be able to have a couch to sleep on.  And transportation.... well, the bike and I will be best friends until I can save enough for a car.  And although I feel like my life is completely failing, really it isn't. I have the four walls, and can only build from there.  

But I will tell you some things that help get you through the rock bottom times... 

- An open ear to hear all your complaints (and you will have many).  Mine lately seems to be my step dad.  He has listened to me through every emotion you can fathom, from crying my heart out to indignant.  

- A shoulder to cry on.  And you will cry, buckets of tears.  Lately this has been a few people for me, but they all mean so much to me. 

- Arms to hold you when you need it most.  These are few and far between.  And it doesn't have to mean literally hold you.  Sometimes, I have felt like someone who was hundreds of miles away was right there holding me, even though they weren't.  If you have experienced it then you know what I mean.  

- Someone to keep you focused on the end goal.  I have lost sight of mine before, but thankfully I have always had someone there to redirect my eyes back on the prize.  They're like permanent blinders from distractions.  And trust me, there are many.  

- These next few are all from yourself, so I'm listing them under one bullet.  You need perseverance, to keep at it even when you have no will to go any further.  You need patience, your life isn't going to magically pop back into place after if falls apart.  You need realistic goals.  No, you aren't going to own your own mansion and have a $100,000 car ASAP, but you can have a roof over your head and a car that runs with time.  You need to put your guards down, no facades are to be used. When was the last time you heard of someone hiding behind a facade actually getting what they truly want?  You need the ability to let others help, but at the same time, provide for yourself.  If someone is willing to help you, take the help, they truly must care about you.  But don't take advantage of their kindness.  Even the kindest people have a limit, and pushing them over the limit normally unleashes the biggest asshole of them all.  Lastly, you need love.  Yes, I mean you have to love yourself.  Love doesn't always mean from someone else. And even if you're receiving love from someone else, does it really matter/count if you don't love yourself?  

Maybe this was just a long, round about way (I'm good at those, aren't I?) of ranting about my life.  But I honestly think this might help some of you.  Yea life may suck for now, but you will get back to where you were.  Don't be discouraged by the rough road ahead of you.  There will by plenty more where those came from.  Just keep your head down and push through them.  Let those who love you, love you.  Let those who will listen to you, listen to you.  And lastly roll with the punches.  You can't always predict what life will serve you.  Don't break people's trust.  Trust is like a mirror.  You can fix it if it is broken, but you will always see the crack in the reflection.  Much love to y'all, and more to those of you who are going through a similar situation.