Absolutely love it, it will look better
when it is healed.
Tonight's blog is something that I have alluded to previously. Getting back up on your feet after you have been knocked down to the ground. I have had to do this twice now. It never gets any easier. Maybe I'm a sucker for the ones who need to be picked up themselves. With my ex-fiance, I spent over $23,000 on him. I have nothing to show for it. That was basically everything that I made that year, and I am still almost $10,000 in debt because of it (yea, I know I am an idiot). My life goals have been pushed and pushed until they have almost broke. And don't get me wrong, I have bounced back before from being almost without anything, the only advantage I had last time to this time is a vehicle.
Why do we always run to the person who is broken? Sarah Kay says it the best in her spoken word poem from her TED appearance "And baby, I'll tell her, don't keep your nose up in the air like that. I know that trick, I've done it a million times. You're just smelling for smoke to follow the trail back to the burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else to find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him." You can watch the whole thing right here. I can't say I am much better than this. I always seem to find the person who is broken or otherwise shattered and try to help him. Even when they are unwilling to take the help. And in my mind I know I can't help those who don't want the help, but my heart keeps trying and trying and always wins. And in the end I end up trampled on by so many. But I run into the next person who is on their knees begging and I open up my heart, hoping there is more left for them. And it ends up being more for them to trample on.
And who do I really have to blame for any of this? I would obviously be numero uno. However, I have repeated this action over and over with my own father, almost making it a "practice makes permanent" type situation. In my head I know he will never change, however I continue to make room for him in my life (and heart) knowing all along that he will never change, but praying that he does. And in the end? I end up broken and hurt all over again. 20 years of the same thing over and over again. The definition of idiocy is repeating the same action over and over again and hoping for a different outcome. Does this make me an idiot? Or a idealist who always hopes for the better of the two outcomes?
And even after 20 years of always putting others first, and against all odds, I became the one on my knees begging. My life was back on track, 2 jobs in the medical field and going to college. And in 2 weeks, everything fell apart. I was out of school and out of a job (or both for that matter). My life was in shambles and I became the one who was begging for someone to help me. And along came my ex, who has the exact mentality of myself. We are always putting others before ourselves. And he did. I can never thank him for what he has and is still doing for me. He uprooted himself to South Bend to live with me and support me, driving 2 hours to work and 2 hours home, getting 6 hours of sleep a night if he was lucky. He threw his entire life savings into helping me stay afloat. And I let him. I am not even sure how I let it happen, I always turn down help (ask my mother). I fought about leaving the place in South Bend and taking on the debt, and I ended up taking it on anyways so we could relocate back towards home. He did everything he could to help me, and I trampled over him like everyone has always done to me. Without even noticing it, I became those people that I have had to completely change my life around for, those people who have set my dream back and back even more.
What have I learned through all of this? I took the wrong classes in high school. Okay, that was a joke, but in all seriousness I do wish there was a class that would have prepared me for this. At my high school we had to take electives like Home-Ec and Workshop. Where were the classes on how to make a budget? Or how to manage time? Or how to do taxes? Where were the real life talks, where we illuminated the fact that you can be a regional manager of a large corporation, with only a GED? Where was the lesson on how to overcome all the obstacles you will get thrown at you? Where is the algorithm for the perfect mixture of chocolate and tears to get over a heartbreak? No where. That's where. You learn those on your own, or from example from parents and guardians, or from the hard times like this.
A wise man once told me that you need 4 things to survive; food, clothing, housing, and transportation. And sometimes its hard to even get those. Since I am a girl, I have enough clothing to last me a lifetime. As for food? Ramen and sweet tea seem to fill me up just fine (and only cost about $1.20 a day). Housing... that's a hard one right now. However I am fortunate enough to be able to have a couch to sleep on. And transportation.... well, the bike and I will be best friends until I can save enough for a car. And although I feel like my life is completely failing, really it isn't. I have the four walls, and can only build from there.
But I will tell you some things that help get you through the rock bottom times...
- An open ear to hear all your complaints (and you will have many). Mine lately seems to be my step dad. He has listened to me through every emotion you can fathom, from crying my heart out to indignant.
- A shoulder to cry on. And you will cry, buckets of tears. Lately this has been a few people for me, but they all mean so much to me.
- Arms to hold you when you need it most. These are few and far between. And it doesn't have to mean literally hold you. Sometimes, I have felt like someone who was hundreds of miles away was right there holding me, even though they weren't. If you have experienced it then you know what I mean.
- Someone to keep you focused on the end goal. I have lost sight of mine before, but thankfully I have always had someone there to redirect my eyes back on the prize. They're like permanent blinders from distractions. And trust me, there are many.
- These next few are all from yourself, so I'm listing them under one bullet. You need perseverance, to keep at it even when you have no will to go any further. You need patience, your life isn't going to magically pop back into place after if falls apart. You need realistic goals. No, you aren't going to own your own mansion and have a $100,000 car ASAP, but you can have a roof over your head and a car that runs with time. You need to put your guards down, no facades are to be used. When was the last time you heard of someone hiding behind a facade actually getting what they truly want? You need the ability to let others help, but at the same time, provide for yourself. If someone is willing to help you, take the help, they truly must care about you. But don't take advantage of their kindness. Even the kindest people have a limit, and pushing them over the limit normally unleashes the biggest asshole of them all. Lastly, you need love. Yes, I mean you have to love yourself. Love doesn't always mean from someone else. And even if you're receiving love from someone else, does it really matter/count if you don't love yourself?
Maybe this was just a long, round about way (I'm good at those, aren't I?) of ranting about my life. But I honestly think this might help some of you. Yea life may suck for now, but you will get back to where you were. Don't be discouraged by the rough road ahead of you. There will by plenty more where those came from. Just keep your head down and push through them. Let those who love you, love you. Let those who will listen to you, listen to you. And lastly roll with the punches. You can't always predict what life will serve you. Don't break people's trust. Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it is broken, but you will always see the crack in the reflection. Much love to y'all, and more to those of you who are going through a similar situation.
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