Table for On- err Two!

Greetings from under the rock I have been hiding under.  I could go on and on about the things that has happened since I last wrote, but the abridged version is that I acquired two new jobs (both in the medical field) and have been accepted to two different colleges for their nursing program.  Alright down to the dirty business, dating again.  How do you know when you are ready to date again? There are a few steps you need to take (or at least acknowledge) before you just plunge right in.  

Deal With Your Unfinished Business

Take a closer look at the unfinished business in all of your relationships and any resulting patterns that surface. By examining the role you play in each interaction you have with loved ones, you'll not only be able let go of your past, but you'll also learn more about your motivations and expectations for future relationships as well.

Reflect on Negative Self-Talk

Have you ever noticed when you are alone the things you say to yourself without thinking? "I'll never get married," or "Why would anyone ever find me attractive?" are both examples of negative talk. Take a notebook around with you for a day and write down each time you say something to yourself that isn't very nice. Later, challenge your negative self-talk using simple and free methods like EFT.

Define Your Needs

There is a fine line between having realistic relationship expectations and being open to whatever comes your way. Therefore, keeping an open mind while still remembering what's truly important to you in a relationship is ideal.

Feel Confident

Confidence and self-esteem are crucial to putting your best foot forward and making a great first impression. Make sure to take the time to ease your nerves and deal with any dating fears before starting to date again.

Make Space in Your Life for Love

Taken from Feng Shui (translated as the art of placement), making space for love in your life means clearing all clutter so that there's room for someone or something new.

Determine If It's Better To Wait

There are some situations in life that aren't conducive to finding a date. Not only will you be wiser, you'll be less stressed out and more able to be receptive to someone new if you take a break from dating when things are less than optimal.

Once you have gone through this... its time to just jump right in a start it all over again. However, getting back into dating can be downright terrifying. You put your most private self on the line, leaving your deepest fears and most ardent wishes open and vulnerable. If you’re just getting started again after being in a long-term relationship, you face a vast unknown—not just in how dating itself has changed, but in how you have changed.

You’re not the same person you were when you first started dating, and odds are you still see yourself as belonging with someone, as part of a couple. Even though you know you are no longer in a relationship, the thought of dating can still feel vaguely like cheating.

If you are new to dating again, you might be suffering from deer-in-the-headlights syndrome, seeing time itself heading straight for you, knowing you have to move but remaining frozen to the spot nonetheless.  If you have been dating unsuccessfully for a while and are ready to give up, the thought of another frustrating date makes your couch seem even more inviting on a Saturday night.

What can you do to push yourself forward without losing your balance? How can you change your dating landscape just enough to see something on the horizon worth heading toward? Start simply. Take these three basic steps and you just might find you enjoy the walk so much that you keep right on going.

1. Decide the big question once and for all: Do you want to date again or not? Do you want companionship and love, or do you genuinely prefer to stay single? I’m not asking if you want to keep going on miserable dates or if you are afraid to date again. Put those concerns aside. Do you want to date, period? If dating were fun and you were able to meet interesting men and enjoy new experiences and perspectives, would you want to keep dating?

If you are not interested in dating at all, regardless of the dating circumstances, then by all means, don’t date. But if you do want to date, if you want to make meaningful connections with men and have a blast doing it, then understand one thing: You no longer have the option to back out or quit. Because you’ve decided that you really don’t want to quit. You just want to date well.

So when you are scared, hurt, nervous, or frustrated, you can do any combination of things: change your strategy, learn new tools for handling your emotions and your situation, seek help, seek healing—absolutely anything but give up.

2. Stop hiding behind your excuses.

I’m sure you can (and probably have) come up with millions of reasons for not getting back into dating. You’re too busy, or you think you’re too old or not attractive enough to make dating worthwhile. Maybe you blame men: They aren’t interested in an intelligent, strong woman. They’re just looking for sex.

But every last one of your excuses comes from the same place: Fear. Fear of being rejected, hurt, humiliated, or disappointed yet again. Fear of the unknown. Maybe even fear of finding someone and then having to deal with all the complications that comes with fitting him into your already complex life.

You can and should address the individual reasons that are holding you back because they do affect your confidence and your approach to dating and to yourself, and you can actually improve your dating skills by facing your fears in specific ways.

But here, I want to focus on one thing. Regardless of your excuses, and regardless of your fears, you have decided you want to date again. You have committed to not quitting. Otherwise, you would have stopped reading at number 1 above.

This means that your excuses for not dating are at most problems with dating that you can, and have decided to, solve. It doesn’t mean that your fears aren’t valid or understandable. Of course they are! That’s exactly why your response to them should be to figure out how to overcome them rather than letting them overcome you and your desire to date. And you don’t have to do this alone.

3. Get help!

Dating is about interaction. It’s about connecting with people and building relationships. Yet most of us feel like we are on our own when it comes to preparing to date and handling the myriad complex issues that revolve around dating again after being in a long-term relationship.  But would you practice for a ballroom dance competition by dancing alone? Would you train for a basketball game by yourself, then just jump into the game with the team? Of course not. The best way to prepare for a fun and exciting experience with other people is to learn with, and from, other people.

Developing a good support network is a start, but for many of us, it isn’t enough. Having someone to talk to about dates gone awry is invaluable, but you also need someone to help you make future dates go better. Dating requires skill just like any art, sport, or profession does. You probably didn’t get where you are today in your career or your craft without developing some skills along the way. Dating is no different.

So stop blaming yourself for not magically knowing how to make your dates successful. Now that you have committed to pursuing the dating life you have always dreamed of (and that youdeserve), get help to start tackling your fears and learning the skills you need to start looking forward to every date and all the promise of fun, exhilaration, and passion each date holds.

Just wait... there's more!

Just as there are perfect times in one's life to meet someone new, there are also times when it is better to take a break from dating. Wondering when not to date? Read on to see if your circumstances fit any of these criteria. If one or more fit your current situation, its time to rethink your dating strategy and possibly take a dating break.

If a Long Term Relationship Ended in the Past Six Months

Even if you didn't marry your former partner, long term relationships still take their toll when they end. Dating someone on the rebound right after another relationship is not only a mistake but it can lead to disaster, because most people are more vulnerable and needy than normal in the aftermath of a breakup. Instead, work through the stages of Dating Prep completely before thinking about dating again, which should take approximately six months of hard work for most people.

If Someone Close To You Has Recently Passed On

If you are already in a strong relationship when someone in your life passes, there is no reason to end things suddenly. However, if you've just started dating someone or are trying to meet new people when a loved one dies, it may be better to take a dating break for at least a couple of months. Grief hits us all in different ways; allow yourself the time to really work through your loss, before getting involved with someone new.

If You Are Without a Job, House, or Both

Sure, things happen. People lose their jobs, move, quit, and relocate all the time. Still, if you don't have a place to call home or a steady source of income, its time to take a dating break. Focus on your immediate shelter and income needs for now, and soon enough you'll have the energy, space and money to invest in someone new.

If There Are Unresolved Addiction or Mental Health Issues Present

Unresolved is the key term for this specific dating break notation. If you are in therapy and have their consent, in recovery, or have beaten the odds and no longer suffer on a day-to-day basis from a mental health or addiction disorder, there is no reason to stop dating. However, if you are suicidal, haven't been taking medications prescribed by your doctor, or aren't actively working towards recovery, its time to start.

If You Are Separated But Not Divorced Yet

Separation is a challenge no matter what the individual circumstances. Trying to date someone new while managing a legal breakup with someone else positively is almost impossible. Give yourself at least a month for every year the two of you were together and/or married to work through the myriad of emotions you are facing before even thinking about dating again.

Since I am currently going through this, I figured it would be relevent to talk about in a blog. Don't say I never told y'all about my life ;) Much love y'all!