Impossible People

Have you ever encountered one of those impossible people?  They are the ones you can NEVER make happy.  No mater how hard you try or whatever you do, you will never succeed at making them happy.  I have two of these people in my life.  And I have yet to figure out how to tackle them.  You really can't make them happy, and I think I have figured out one reason why.  They don't even know what makes themselves happy.

Think about it, if you don't know how to make yourself happy, and you're always going to be relying on others to make you happy.  But because you don't know what makes you happy, they won't be able to make you happy.  And therefore, if you can't make yourself happy, no one will ever really make you truly happy. Make sense? Hopefully you understood that.

I just can't begin to figure out what is going on.  I'm not even sure where this post was going honestly.    There are just some things in life that just aren't maybe worth fixing.  Or maybe it's just not worth trying to fix something that someone else is going to keep breaking.  I mean the reality of the matter is if someone is going to continue to break something, wouldn't you get annoyed with trying to fix it everyday?

Yea, me too.  I have come to the realization that I just can't continue to fix something that is so far broken, and when I try to fix it they just snap it in half.  Gah- I just need to stop talking to people.  Seriously, I can't take anymore of this crap.

Much to love all of you. Hopefully y'all are having better days then I am lately.

Welcome to Rock Bottom

Hey y'all! As promised, I have pictures of the new tattoo.  I am not completely done with it yet, but hopefully soon enough I will be able to show you the completely finished product.  But I am in love with it, and hopefully it stops oozing soon (sorry for all y'all non-tattoo people who have no idea what I'm talking about).

Absolutely love it, it will look better 

when it is healed.

Tonight's blog is something that I have alluded to previously.  Getting back up on your feet after you have been knocked down to the ground.  I have had to do this twice now.  It never gets any easier.  Maybe I'm a sucker for the ones who need to be picked up themselves.  With my ex-fiance, I spent over $23,000 on him.  I have nothing to show for it.  That was basically everything that I made that year, and I am still almost $10,000 in debt because of it (yea, I know I am an idiot).  My life goals have been pushed and pushed until they have almost broke.  And don't get me wrong, I have bounced back before from being almost without anything, the only advantage I had last time to this time is a vehicle. 

Why do we always run to the person who is broken?  Sarah Kay says it the best in her spoken word poem from her TED appearance  "And baby, I'll tell her, don't keep your nose up in the air like that.  I know that trick, I've done it a million times. You're just smelling for smoke to follow the trail back to the burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him.  Or else to find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him." You can watch the whole thing right here. I can't say I am much better than this.  I always seem to find the person who is broken or otherwise shattered and try to help him.  Even when they are unwilling to take the help.  And in my mind I know I can't help those who don't want the help, but my heart keeps trying and trying and always wins.  And in the end I end up trampled on by so many.  But I run into the next person who is on their knees begging and I open up my heart, hoping there is more left for them.  And it ends up being more for them to trample on.  

And who do I really have to blame for any of this? I would obviously be numero uno.  However, I have repeated this action over and over with my own father, almost making it a "practice makes permanent"  type situation.  In my head I know he will never change, however I continue to make room for him in my life (and heart) knowing all along that he will never change, but praying that he does.  And in the end? I end up broken and hurt all over again.  20 years of the same thing over and over again.  The definition of idiocy is repeating the same action over and over again and hoping for a different outcome.  Does this make me an idiot?  Or a idealist who always hopes for the better of the two outcomes?  

And even after 20 years of always putting others first, and against all odds, I became the one on my knees begging.  My life was back on track, 2 jobs in the medical field and going to college.  And in 2 weeks, everything fell apart. I was out of school and out of a job (or both for that matter).  My life was in shambles and I became the one who was begging for someone to help me. And along came my ex, who has the exact mentality of myself.  We are always putting others before ourselves.  And he did. I can never thank him for what he has and is still doing for me.  He uprooted himself to South Bend to live with me and support me, driving 2 hours to work and 2 hours home, getting 6 hours of sleep a night if he was lucky.  He threw his entire life savings into helping me stay afloat.  And I let him.  I am not even sure how I let it happen, I always turn down help (ask my mother).  I fought about leaving the place in South Bend and taking on the debt, and I ended up taking it on anyways so we could relocate back towards home.  He did everything he could to help me, and I trampled over him like everyone has always done to me.  Without even noticing it, I became those people that I have had to completely change my life around for, those people who have set my dream back and back even more.  

What have I learned through all of this?  I took the wrong classes in high school.  Okay, that was a joke, but in all seriousness I do wish there was a class that would have prepared me for this.  At my high school we had to take electives like Home-Ec and Workshop.  Where were the classes on how to make a budget?  Or how to manage time? Or how to do taxes?  Where were the real life talks, where we illuminated the fact that you can be a regional manager of a large corporation, with only a GED?  Where was the lesson on how to overcome all the obstacles you will get thrown at you?  Where is the algorithm for the perfect mixture of chocolate and tears to get over a heartbreak?  No where. That's where.  You learn those on your own, or from example from parents and guardians, or from the hard times like this.  

A wise man once told me that you need 4 things to survive; food, clothing, housing, and transportation.  And sometimes its hard to even get those.  Since I am a girl, I have enough clothing to last me a lifetime.  As for food? Ramen and sweet tea seem to fill me up just fine (and only cost about $1.20 a day).  Housing... that's a hard one right now.  However I am fortunate enough to be able to have a couch to sleep on.  And transportation.... well, the bike and I will be best friends until I can save enough for a car.  And although I feel like my life is completely failing, really it isn't. I have the four walls, and can only build from there.  

But I will tell you some things that help get you through the rock bottom times... 

- An open ear to hear all your complaints (and you will have many).  Mine lately seems to be my step dad.  He has listened to me through every emotion you can fathom, from crying my heart out to indignant.  

- A shoulder to cry on.  And you will cry, buckets of tears.  Lately this has been a few people for me, but they all mean so much to me. 

- Arms to hold you when you need it most.  These are few and far between.  And it doesn't have to mean literally hold you.  Sometimes, I have felt like someone who was hundreds of miles away was right there holding me, even though they weren't.  If you have experienced it then you know what I mean.  

- Someone to keep you focused on the end goal.  I have lost sight of mine before, but thankfully I have always had someone there to redirect my eyes back on the prize.  They're like permanent blinders from distractions.  And trust me, there are many.  

- These next few are all from yourself, so I'm listing them under one bullet.  You need perseverance, to keep at it even when you have no will to go any further.  You need patience, your life isn't going to magically pop back into place after if falls apart.  You need realistic goals.  No, you aren't going to own your own mansion and have a $100,000 car ASAP, but you can have a roof over your head and a car that runs with time.  You need to put your guards down, no facades are to be used. When was the last time you heard of someone hiding behind a facade actually getting what they truly want?  You need the ability to let others help, but at the same time, provide for yourself.  If someone is willing to help you, take the help, they truly must care about you.  But don't take advantage of their kindness.  Even the kindest people have a limit, and pushing them over the limit normally unleashes the biggest asshole of them all.  Lastly, you need love.  Yes, I mean you have to love yourself.  Love doesn't always mean from someone else. And even if you're receiving love from someone else, does it really matter/count if you don't love yourself?  

Maybe this was just a long, round about way (I'm good at those, aren't I?) of ranting about my life.  But I honestly think this might help some of you.  Yea life may suck for now, but you will get back to where you were.  Don't be discouraged by the rough road ahead of you.  There will by plenty more where those came from.  Just keep your head down and push through them.  Let those who love you, love you.  Let those who will listen to you, listen to you.  And lastly roll with the punches.  You can't always predict what life will serve you.  Don't break people's trust.  Trust is like a mirror.  You can fix it if it is broken, but you will always see the crack in the reflection.  Much love to y'all, and more to those of you who are going through a similar situation.  

Piercings, and Gauges, and Ink. Oh My!

Ah ha! I told you guys I would get back into it.  If you haven't noticed there are some changes to the site.  Working with a few more things until I get it to where I want it to be. Someday soon though, it will be right where I need it to be.  Well, today I'm getting a new tattoo.  Nothing big, but I have wanted this tattoo for awhile now.

This is what it's going to look like, right underneath 

my collar bone. Not too big.

Not anytime soon, but I will be getting a large piece done hopefully by the end of the fall.  It's going to take multiple sessions.  That one will be going from right where the top of my bra hits on my right side, all the way down to my knee.  I know, it's going to be awesome.  I have so many more planned out too.  Jackie is going to love me by the time they are all done.  I'll be a walking portfolio.  

But with all this talk about tattoos, so many people have negative thoughts on them. You either hate them or you love them.  I don't think I have ever met someone who just doesn't care.  But hey, maybe that's you.  What I honestly haven't been able to figure out though, is why does it matter? What I have noticed is, people who don't have tattoos sure do love to talk about why they are such an abomination to the body, whereas people who have them couldn't care less if you have them or not.  

Now for all of you who hate them... why?  I have heard the excuse (okay, I'll be nice... the reason) that you believe the body is a temple, or that God created you perfectly and if he wanted us to have markings on our body, then we would have had them when we were born.  Okay, I have two retorts to that.  One, God gave us free will.  Therefore, he gave us the ability to do as we please.  So, with this rational, he gave us the free will to go out and ink up out bodies.  Secondly, if our bodies are a temple, shouldn't we be able to decorate that temple?  The pyramids were adorned with lavish gold and jewels before they were sealed up.  Tombs are garnished with flowers and tokens of endearment.  So I mean, ink me if I'm wrong, but I think that is a bit of a bullshit reason.  

And now we come to my favorite subject when it comes to tattoos.  Should they be allowed to be shown in the work place?  I can get why some places have just said no.  Not because I don't want to be able to show off my ink.  But have you ever heard the expression if you give an inch they will take a mile?  I am a firm believer of this expression.  The reason I bring this is up, not all tattoos are work place acceptable.  But you can't tell some people they can have their tattoos out and not all of them.  Also, if you say you can't have tattoos past this point on your arm, people might continue to push the line further and further down their arm. Just an example. I'm not just saying the arm. I do commend Apple, who has since allowed their employees to have their tattoos uncovered.  

Annnnd now I have lost my train of thought. Crap.  Well.... I am positively sure I have not conveyed my point at all.  I am probably going to revisit this post in a part two... and I'll upload a picture of the new ink tomorrow.  Until then, much love y'all!

The Memo Most Guys Never Got

Alright, I know I slightly disappeared for a few weeks.  But there has been a lot going on lately.  Let's see if I can do a super quick update and then on to the real topic today.  Uhm, as you all know I broke the Jeep.  I ordered the wrong parts for it entirely and wasted about two hundred dollars.  We tried to find the parts at a pick and pull and still failed at that too.  We ended up having to drive about 2 hours to go get the parts from a different pick and pull.  A week later, the Jeep is fixed and now we can fix the S-10 (it has a knock in the motor).  I got two jobs, one is at a restaurant and the other is at a grocery store.  The boyfriend and I split... it's been really rough and still is.  But for now I will be renting the couch.  I'm probably buying a Jeep of my own sometime this upcoming week, hopefully Tuesday if I can find a ride there.  I'm doing my feather business and stating up a pitching lesson side gig.  There is the life update as fast and short as I can.

Here is a list of things I believe men should know.  I feel like some of them didn't get the memo, so if you're one of the unlucky men who didn't read it- here is the list that all women wish men knew.

1. Kisses on the forehead, I'll lose my mind.

2. Don't forget my birthday! Better yet, do something cute.  Whether that be flowers or just a day you set aside to do something I love with me, it's better than nothing.  No jewelry or other random presents needed.

3. Don't forget that I get stressed too.  I understand your day might not have gone exactly swimmingly well, but stop to think if maybe you're taking it all out on me.

4. Yea, I like staring at your ass. You thought you were the only one?

5. I like watching hockey and baseball.  And could probably talk circles around your head.  Get used to it.  Bonus for you though, Sports Center will always be on.

6.  I love when you ask how my day went.  And not just the passing glance ask, an actual interest in how my day really went.  Shows you care.

7.  The best roads to take are the back roads.  You just have to believe me on that one.

8.  I wait for you to text me. It's almost like an expectation. And when you do, I get a huge smile, and butterflies, and a little excited.  All in a split seconds.

9.  I'm terrified of losing who I am.  And if you think that I am losing sight of who I am- that will devastate me even more.

10.  I am a mess most of the time.  And if you can recognize it, your best bet is to just give me a hug and hold me.  Words won't help what a hug can.

11.  I am completely naive.  And I will believe you with whatever you say. Until you burn me.  Then you need to run. Fast.

12.  I listen to pretty much everything.  But I will be known to dance around my house to random music.  If you have a problem with that, you can find the door.

13.  Your only real get out of jail free card is a compilation of buying me peonies, reminding me how beautiful I am, telling me you love me, going down on me, then the next morning waking up and cuddling with me.  Pretty much in that order.  If you're in serious trouble, you might want to repeat step four again.

14.  Men aren't the only ones with egos.  So if I mess us, and I admit it, don't rub it in my face unless you feel like referring to number 13.

15.  If my period is even 5 minutes late, I assume I am pregnant.

16.  If you ask if you can go do something, and I reply with a "sure," "whatever," or "no biggie," you probably shouldn't do it.

17.  If I talk about my weight, don't say anything.  Just let me rant, only when I am done can you tell me I'm beautiful.

17b.  If I disagree with you out loud that I'm not beautiful after the fact, I'm still smiling on the inside. Don't think I didn't take that to heart.

18.  My boobs are mine.  You can play with them, but they are mine.  And if I tell you not today, it means NOT TODAY.

19.  You're sexy with multiple things in your hands.  These include but are not limited to; a baby, a guitar, a gun, a bow, a wrench, and hammer, a cigarette, an apple. Pretty much anything.

20.  I need reassurance on a lot of things.  Sometimes its how I look, but most the time it's how you feel about me. So tell me, then tell me again, and after that, retell me.

21.  Jealousy is good to an extent. If I wasn't jealous of another girl holding your attention, I must not care.  So if you see that sideways glare I shoot that girl, don't roll your eyes, it's my way of showing I care (and reminding her to back off).

22.  Yes girls watch porn. And lots of it.  We even think about sex.  I know, mind blowing notion.

23.  I love when you open up to me.  Even if it's only about a song you're thinking about writing, or how that asshole went too slow on the toll road today.

24.  Don't just come home and say hey.  Walk over to me and kiss me hello (if I haven't beaten you to it).

25.  Don't give me ultimatums.  It makes me feel like you want me to be someone other than who I am.  And if that is the case, then you don't really love me for me and we're wasting each other's time.

26.  I have plans and goals for my life.  Yes, I want to include you into these, but if you hold me back from them, I will trample all over you

27.  If you don't want me to know about it, or think you have to delete it, it's probably cheating.

28.  I replay all the good times in my head, its like an advanced stage of daydreaming.  So if I am suddenly smiling for no reason, assume I'm just daydreaming.

29.  Tattoos turn me on.

30.  I am not impressed with how you act around your friends.  So don't try and showboat.  It only makes you look like an ass.

31.  I am not your ex.  Therefore, do not treat me as an ex, refer to anything I am doing as something your ex would do, or compare me to her.

32.  There are a few things you should never do during sex.  Don't cry, don't tell me you love me, and don't forget that I should finish first.

33.  If I am sad, and you think you're the reason, figure out a way to make it better.

34.  I am willing to work on all things.  Doesn't matter the issue, I am more than willing to work my ass off to make it work.

35.  If you feel like our relationship is starting to slip, then sit down and have a conversation with me about it.  Don't blindside me with a breakup.  Chances are, I haven't noticed since I am busy too.  Maybe I let other things fill my time. But most likely, I can change that.  Girls aren't the best at multitasking twenty-four seven.

35b.  Don't go one day from kissing me to the next day leaving me, makes me feel like you don't really want to split in the first place.

35c. Don't kiss me after we break up unless you want to get back together.  Those would be mixed signals, and those are never good.


Yea... some of these are ridiculous.  But they all hold true for me, so I am assuming they hold true for most women. Maybe not. But hey, at least you have an idea now.  I'l try and update again sooner then it took last time.  My life is on hold right now, and it's a little hard to find time to want to sit down and write.  I'll try though guys.  Much love y'all.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day (and my birthday!).  So today I am going to dedicate this blog to my mother.  I was going to talk about how great mothers in general are, but instead I am going to tell you great things about my mother.  Yea, it's TMI Sunday... doesn't make much sense, but just go with it.

-She used to buy me 2 Barbies every Christmas, one was for play, and the other was a collectible that I was never allowed to play with.  I never understood why I wasn't allowed to play with them, but now I am so glad that she got them for me.

-She put up with my ex for 4 years, and he never was good for me.  She tried to tell me this almost everyday that I was with him, but I never listened to her.  Even though I am pretty sure sh e hated him and had elaborate plans to off him, she tried her best to help us stay together, even mediating fights sometimes.  She supported me every when she didn't agree.  And I am so glad that when we finally fell through, she was there for me.

-She has this picture of me where I am trying to open a can of coke with my mouth... I was two at the time.  She has all of these awesome pictures of me as I was growing up and I am so glad that she was able to capture all of these precious moments.  I think she was the reason I am so picture crazy now.

-After my parents divorce, we didn't have a ton of money.  Yet she found a way to make every prom and dance special.  While all of these girls went out buying $300-$500 dresses, she found a woman who would make prom dresses.  She was so generous and would make any dress I came up with possible for me.  Even though I think she thought some of them were hideous (looking back, I question some of my choices). 

-She put up with my crazy tendencies, which believe me I have a few.  Even though I think she thought I was on crack some days, she put up with me.  Not sure how she did it.  But I am so glad that she did.  

I can't believe she has put up with my ups and downs, and all the disappointments I have put her through.  I guess that is what kids are for though.  I know some day in the future I will have kids (and I know she is hoping they are just like me).  My mother has the strongest will of anyone I know.  She has had to deal with things I believe no woman should have to go through.  She has always stood by my side throughout it all.  I know I am turning into her more and more every year.  And there is no other woman I want to grow into.  Even when she has had to love me for two.  Through every heartbreak, she has been there with a box of tissues and chocolate.  Through all the times I tried to rebel, she stood by and waited for my eyes to open.  She loves me for all of my faults and all of strengths.  I love her, and I know she loves me just as much.  Thank you for raising me to be this amazing woman that I have become. None of this would be possible without you.  

I love you mom.  And everything that you do.  

About two years ago I showed her this song, and made her cry like a little girl ;) I love the fact that the singer's name is Lauren (like me haha).  I really believe everything in this song, and it will forever make me cry like a baby when I hear it.  And of course, I always think of my mom when it comes on. 

-

Girl Code

I guess I should do one of these shouldn't I? Just kidding y'all, I haven't forgotten about you, I have just been that slammed!  Lets see if I can cover what has happened in the past week in a few short sentences.  Uhm, the roommate moved in and things are going swimmingly well.  The boyfriend is away being a Marine this weekend  my birthday is Sunday, the sister started dating my ex, and I somehow managed to break the Jeep.  Yea... it's been a long week.  And if you don't understand what I mean by broke the Jeep...

Yea, we knew it was redneckified, but apparently more 

than we thought...

As for the knitting, I am about 5 lines away from being done with one square... only 5 more squares to go.  That only took, what two months to do? Yay me. 

But to get down to the real topic today... girl code.  Maybe y'all haven't heard of it? Because I have watched so many girls lately break it. I thought it was common knowledge, however apparently it isn't. So without further or due I am going to enlighten y'all.  

1. If you want to date a friend's brother, you need permission from the sister first. 

2. You don't EVER hang out with a boyfriend of a friend alone, unless there are at least 3 other people present. 

3. You don't borrow clothing of a friend without permisson.

4. If a guy your friend is into asks for your number, you deny and deny more.  Then you slip him your friend's number and hint that she might be more his type.

5. If there is ever a fight between a friend and her boyfriend, you're always on your friends side.

6. When a friend is drunk, never let her dial, drive, or leave with a random guy.

7. When out with the ladies, if girl number one points out a guy she likes, girl number two should NOT make a beeline for him and give him her number.  Show some respect.

8. Stop being the "me too!" girl.  If your friend is telling a story, stop stealing her thunder, or her story, by constantly interrupting her.

9. If your friend gets left by her boyfriend, you show up with ice cream and movies (extra Kleenex  and sit with her all night long.

10. Honesty is the best policy for, "How do I look?"

11. If a complete stranger to you (another female) is at a bar, shes completely wasted and you can tell she can't make a coherent decision and might end up going home with whatever guy is giving her attention, go be her wing man and get the guy to leave. It's called common courtesy.

12. If a fellow female you don't know needs a tampon or what have you, damnit give it to her!  It's called time of the month sympathies   You go through it, so help a woman out.  

13. You are never to diss a friend's boyfriend, except for the slight nod of the head if she says she is a complete asshole.

14. When dating, you should find equal time for your friends as well as your boyfriend.

15. Chocolate is an accepted food in any occasion.

16.No girl may date er friend's; ex's, past crushes, guys who have humiliated/used her and guys she currently fancies... Acceptions to this rule: A.) your friend has given you permission/couldn't care less. B.) the said fancying/going out happened before the age of puberty.


So now that we are all aware of these rules, grow up and utilize them.  Please.  This is ridiculous...

The most rambling post ever...

I am one of those girls who don't really care much about their appearance.  Let's rephrase this, I am one of those girls who just don't want to put on makeup every day.  And when did it become a necessary accessory in our lives?    I firmly believe that you don't need to look your absolute best 24/7. Now that's not to say that you shouldn't attempt it or half ass it from time to time. But realistically, who has time to get up and get their hair and makeup perfect every time, everyday? That's easily an hour task for both to get done. So that's 365 hours a year, or 15 days and four hours of every year spent getting ready. How ridiculous does that sound? So you're going to spend days upon days every year getting ready for something that you don't even know if it's going to happen.

That is almost as ridiculous as waiting for the rain to fall on a sunny day, or waiting for the most unpopular girl to win prom queen. It's just not going to happen. Sorry to get your hopes up y'all. But as always. Love to all!

But why should we be stuck in this perpetual state of getting ready?


I really have no idea where this post was going. I'm more distracted by the sound board at church... And how the gain is way too high and the balances are not where they should be. Did I even mention the feedback? And no I'm not writing this during church. So don't freak out y'all.

Work it Out

If you know me personally, you know that I take on way too much.  And if you're like me, you know that we are not superwomen and cannot do 28 million things at once, obviously some things get put on the back burner.  For me, it is always the same thing that gets shoved to the back, my fitness/health.  However, I am completely back on track.  When the boyfriend and I moved, we were completely unaware that the complex we moved to has a fitness center.  It was like an add in bonus.  Now, I have been utilizing my body by vi shakes (if you don't know what those are, I'll explain at the end of this) and they help me get my nutrients and a meal a day.  I also take a multi-vitamin.

However, I never seem to have the time to work out.  I have tried P90X, Zumba (I am actually qualified to teach it too), Insanity and there was a blog that I followed where she had workouts you can do in your home using only your own body weight.  She is amazing at everything she does, check her out here.  But me working out at home, never works out for me.  Ever.  It works exactly like Jenna Marbles says.

But now that I live here with a wonderful work out center, I can finally get back to my fitter life.  When I was living in Chicago, I used to work out 2 times a day.  I used to be so motivated and just loved the feeling it would give me.  So, I'm back at it and trying to figure out what the best weekly work out routine would be.  I know I love to do cardio, but I also want to do something to tone my muscles up.  I still need to figure out what the best way to balance this all out would be.  I might end up doing some Zumba by myself (forever alone haha).  I used to be so worried about my weight, but now, pshht, now I just want to tone what I have.

Now for those of you who don't know what Body by Vi is, it is a wonderful shake mix that literally does it all.  It has enough protein that it can be a full meal replacement. Although for those of you who are scared by the word protein and think its only for those who want to bulk up, that is not at all true!  It also helps with facial breakouts, and skin complexion.  Since it is a meal replacement, you can obviously tell it is very filling!  It only has 90 calories per shake.  Along with all of this, it also has all of your nutrients you need for the day. What is not to love? Plus, you can get into selling it and make some serious money off of it. Or just get your shakes for free.  Yea, it's kinda amazing.  You can check it out right here!

But y'all should let me know your own work out routines and see if I can't apply them into my own routine.  Also, if you want to buy some body by vi, let me know and I will explain any questions you may have. Much love y'all, and keep your shoes laced up!