Obsessive Christmas Disorder

Okay I will admit I am a bit insane when it comes to Christmas. I start planning in August for who is getting what and how I am going to afford it all. But this Christmas it seems that I am not nearly as excited and my family seems to think I am.  This is the first Christmas with the new boy, and we are nearing a year together so the meshing of the holidays is still new.  However I am getting more and more stressed over this the closer it gets.  His family is very set in their ways, and I am not feeling the love from them.  Not that I should- we aren't particularly close.  But I am nervous that I am going to seem as more of a road block to their plans than a welcome addition.

Has anyone else had this?  Maybe it is because I am self conscious about being a young, single mother.  I am constantly thinking I am being judged by people and I don't want to come off as an ignorant and- oh I am not even sure how to phrase this.  His family has appeared to be welcoming of this little addition- but I do not want to come in and become cozy when I shouldn't.  

My family alone has a ridiculous amount of Christmas celebrations.  Divorced family means we had to adapt and make lots and lots of holidays. Now we add in theirs? Not to mention they overlap.  So who's do we chose?  His family already feels I pull him away too much... so I don't want to miss his- but I truly don't feel welcome at his.  

Ultimately I want to keep my daughter where she will feel the most comfortable- and that leads to my house, my mothers house and his house. Only time will tell I suppose.  He has been nothing but supportive of this entire blending and I know it is a work in progress.  All families blend at some point and traditions change. I guess I have always thought it would be a little bit less harsh than a straight shot of vodka.  

Testing for paramedic school is in less than two weeks and I can't contain my anxiety.  I keep telling myself I will be okay and I an do this- and it is not the paper test I am worried about.  I always get nervous when it comes to practicals, and of course there is one for entrance to this program.  I can not tell you of much it makes me want to curl into a ball over it.  13 days and I hope my lucky stars are aligned and I can keep my cool long enough to get in.  I had overwhelming support from people in their letters explaining that they have confidence in me to do this- so why don't I? 

Lord where did my back bone go? Better go find it. I am definitely going to need it.  But until then- I am going to finish watching this game 7 of the world series.  Die hard Cubs fan here! Go Cubs Go! 

Debby Downward Dog

Sometimes the best motivation is for someone to tell you that you are not enough.  I have been working my ass off with this diet... which might not make sense but you eat lettuce as the majority of your meals and you will realize how much it sucks. How much work it takes with your will power to not stop at EVERY FUCKING FAST FOOD PLACE.   Hunger pains are a real thing and almost suck as much as stairs after leg day. 

When someone tells me I am not good enough or makes me feel like I am not worth what I truly am- I get angry. Which motivates me more... but more than anything it just sets fire to my heart. Who in their right mind tears down another person? Have I done it? Sure. I won't deny it. But NEVER to the extent that someone has to me. 

I have never had good body image... I am 5'11" and used to be 130 pounds and STILL thought I had thunder thighs. I wouldn't wear shorts for fear of these huge things being seen in public. And now that I am post baby with a lot of weight to lose thanks to a chunky baby and bed rest for half of that, my body image isn't any better than it was. Finally I am motivated to get it gone, and have the ability to do so, and someone wants to remind me of what I am? When you are doubted regularly it starts to feel like the truth... Try as hard as you want but once it leaks into your head that it might be the truth and you're told 6 more times now you really believe it. 

But we need a new subject before this blog makes me cry!

And we start day 2 away from my child... only 5 more to go... My immediate family went down to Alabama to see the rest of the family and guess who can't afford to take the time off from work or school? Yup, this lonely little worker here. Which sucks since this is something I would have loved to go on. But since the family doesn't get to see Little One often, I decided she should go down with the family. The end result is that I have 7 days without my kid, which I am equal parts happy and sad about. I have never been away from my daughter for longer than pshhh like 48 hours and that caused me a break down sitting there scrolling through pictures of her crying... Don't judge me. That little girl has always been with me. Ya know- that tends to happen when you only have one parent. I am sure I will be fine but I mean good lord.... its been 48 hours and I am sitting here scrolling through photos at my desk missing her more than ever....

Dang! I am a Debby Downer today. Someone ques the upbeat music and a yummy recipe! I have not really ice cream chocolate ice cream! It is made from cashews, which are my favorite nut. Yea- you can laugh at that. If you can convince yourself its as good as ice cream you are good to go :) Enjoy my lovelies! 

Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream

Ingredients

4 cups of raw cashews, soaked for 4 hours
1 cup of maple syrup
½ cup of cacao powder
1/3 cup peanut butter
1 tsp. vanilla extract

Directions

In a high-speed blender or Vitamix, blend together soaked cashews, maple syrup, cacao and vanilla on high until creamy.
Into a freezer-safe container, pour a third of the cacao mixture. Swirl a third of the peanut butter into the cacao mixture. Repeat with the remaining cacao mixture and peanut butter.
Freeze for 10 hours, or until mixture has frozen into ice cream.

Well my lovelies, its time for me to hit the mat.Hope you enjoy some ice cream on my behalf! 

IT'S FINALLY HERE!!!

Muscle Pharm 21 Day Her Bizzy Diet & Exercise Program

This is the brand I'm using for my transformation

I started my 21 day body transformation using Muscle Pharm's 21 Day HerBizzy Diet and Exercise program and supplements!  I am suuuper happy to have finally gotten it in the mail!

OK, so here are the foods allowed and the daily diet (same thing every day...but it's only for 3 weeks and it's VERY simple!):

What you are allowed to have:

Proteins:
Eggs
Chicken
Salmon
Tuna
Lean beef
Turkey
Jerky
Lunch: meat ham
and roast beef

Vegetables (basically anything green):
Asparagus
Bamboo shoots
Bean sprouts
Beet greens
Bok choy greens
Broccoli
Cabbage
Cauliflower
Celery
Chards
Chicory
Collard greens
Cucumbers
Endive
Escarole
Garlic
Kale
Kohirabi
Lettuces
Mushrooms
Mustard greens
Parsley
Radishes
Salad greens
Sauerkraut
Spinach
String beans
Summer squashes
Turnip greens
Watercress
Yellow squash
Zucchini squash

Condiments & Seasonings:

Spicy Mustard
Hot Sauce
Crushed Red Pepper
Mrs. Dash Original Blend
Mrs. Dash Fiesta Lime
Mrs. Dash Extra Spicy
Mrs. Dash Tomato Basil Garlic
Mrs. Dash Lemon Pepper

So those are the basic foods for shopping.

__________________________________________
Now here is the HerBizzy Diet meal plan: 

Drink 1 gallon of water a day!

NOTE: Times can be adjusted, just make sure you are eating about 3 hours apart for your meals.

6:30am- Fitmiss supplement- Burn (2 caps) with 8-12oz of water....(30 min before breakfast)

7:00am- Fitmiss supplement- Balance (3 caps) & Tone (1 cap) with 8-12oz of water.
Food- choose one of the following:
1. 2 whole eggs
2. 1 whole egg and 2 strips of organic turkey bacon
3.  1/2cup of 2% cottage cheese

10:00am- 1 scoop of Fitmiss Delight protein shake powder with 8 oz of water or almond milk (and blend with ice if you'd like)

12:30pm- Fitmiss supplement- Burn (2 caps) with 8-12oz of water....(30 min before lunch)

1:00pm-  Fitmiss supplement- Tone (1 cap) with 8-12oz of water.
Food:  4-6oz of a protein from food list; 2-3 cups of vegetables from food list.
Use condiments/seasonings to your liking

4:00pm- 1 scoop of Fitmiss Delight protein shake powder with 8 oz of water or almond milk (and blend with ice if you'd like)

7:00pm-  8-12oz of water.
Food:  4-6oz of a protein from food list; 2-3 cups of vegetables from food list.
Use condiments/seasonings to your liking

9:00pm- 8-12oz of water.
Food- choose one of the following snacks:
1. 1/2cup of 2% cottage cheese
2. 1oz of almonds
3. 1/2 cup of tuna

Before you go to bed: Fitmiss supplement- Cleanse (2 caps) and 16oz of water
__________________________________________

Here is the HerBizzy weekly exercise plan:

NOTE: Make sure to drink plenty of water and take Fitmiss Supplement- Ignite- 30 mins prior to workout 

Mondays & Wednesdays- Upper Body & Cardio
Warm up- 20 minutes
Walk or run on treadmill alternating 1 min. fast then 1 min. slow for the whole 20 mins.  You may also use other cardio equipment in place of the treadmill to change it up.

Weightlifting:
Set up 5 exercises.  Do 20 reps of each exercise 2x through. Once done with the 2 sets, complete 10 minutes of intense cardio and then repeat just the lifts one more time.
2x through- 20 reps each:
1. Chest- flat bench press or flat dumbbell press or pushups
2. Back- 1 arm dumbbell rows (20x each arm)
3. Shoulders- military press
4. Biceps- curls
5. Triceps- kickbacks
10 mins of intense cardio then 3rd set of the above.

Tuesdays & Fridays- Lower Body & Cardio
Warm up- 20 minutes
Walk or run on treadmill alternating 1 min. fast then 1 min. slow for the whole 20 mins.  You may also use other cardio equipment in place of the treadmill to change it up.

Weightlifting:
Set up 5 exercises.  Do 20 reps of each exercise 2x through. Once done with the 2 sets, complete 10 minutes of intense cardio and then repeat just the lifts one more time.
2x through- 
1. Legs- bodyweight squats, 20-30 reps...can add weight for advanced
2. Legs- lunges- 15 each side stationary lunges
3. Calves- calf raise 30-50 reps
4. Abs- ab crunch 30-50 reps
5. Abs-legs up and crossed 30-50 reps
10 mins of intense cardio then 3rd set of the above.

Post workout: take Muscle Pharm's BCAA's with water (optional)

Thursdays, Saturdays & Sundays- Either rest days or you can do another 30 mins of cardio (optional)

OK, time for me to get to it!!! Now you guys have the ability to join along if you want! Obviously you guys wouldn't have the supplements but I think this might work for just about anyone. Much love and hopefully we get some progress pictures up here soon! 

TGI....S?

It's Saturday. I should be excited. Yet all I can think about is the impending doom of the week to follow. The kinda doom you wanna sit down with something hard on the rocks and just think about. Like a cold a stoic look... insert Stone Cold Steve Austin with whiskey on the rock just staring at you. His mean mug would scare any week into submission. Me? Not so much.

 It's Saturday and I already can't wait to get off on Saturday of next week... Not how it is supposed to go. With my normal work schedule I work four, ten hour shifts. But add three additional eight hour clinicals (which I might add you don't get paid for) and eight hours of classroom time, you don't get to see your own house very much. Not to mention of course this all has to be spread across the county- because why wouldn't you wanna drive all over the great county of Lake County to achieve your goals? I like to think I am just stimulating the pockets of the men behind the gas stations- because without their coffee and gas I am not sure how either I or my car would still be running. 

When in EMS your life is filled with... you guessed it. EMS. Between work, school and clinicals I barely see my own life. Even when home I am busy studying for the next exam, or just general knowledge since it is called "practicing medicine," since you always have to stay up on your skills... This all leaves very little free time.  Which, if I am being honest, is mostly filled with my lame shows I have to catch up on like: Code Black, Chicago Fire/Med/PD, Night watch, and we can't forget Untold Stories of the ER. Oh and Cops- my guilty pleasure. So effectively I have even filled my home life with more EMS. Someone remind me what regular people do with their time? 

The little one is sick. And it's not just normal sick- we're talking exorcism sick. She has taken puking and made it an art form. Free lance puking in cars and redecorating her room with an ambient shade of green. I truly love what she has done with the place.  But on a serious note- this intense puking (and what comes up, probably also goes... well you guessed it) and diarrhea are killing me. Its as sporadic as me taking my daily vitamin.  It will literally just leave for 18 hours and then BOOM its back at your front door step. Ain't nobody got time for those shenanigans. Her sheets have been washed 3 times this week.  And I know what you're saying, just switch them because I MUST have more than one set of sheets. Which is true, I do. But who would want regular flat sheets instead of flannel when they're sick? Not me. And if you do, you're a freak. Instead, my washer is getting a lot of love with the repeat offender the flannel fitted sheet.  

In other news I also have decided I don't love myself and want to try a new self torture technique. It's new, so you might not have heard of it... its called diet and exercise. I know it sounds scary but I think I might be able to handle it. However, just reading about it makes me break out into a cold sweat... I started working out again (hahahaha again with the I hate myself) and even decided to splurge and get a pre-workout into my regimen. Speaking of pre-workout. What the hell?! I had never used one before, so clearly being a crazy worrier like I am, I did a LOT of research. I found one with a company that I liked previously, which had been reported to be on the milder side of pre-workouts. If you have no experience with these or just don't know what they are, a pre-workout is like a kick in the ass. Basically, if you're feeling sluggish, grab one of these and it will ramp up your energy (some more than others) and you will feel this NEED to work out. They also can help with fighting the muscle fatigue you can get mid-workout as well.  Anyways back to what I was saying- the one I found doesn't make you jittery per say, but it does make you tingle.  Totally didn't think anything about it because its just a tingling sensation, can't be that bad right? WRONG!  The tingle is hard to explain but imagine that prickly feeling you get when your foot is asleep and finally coming to, it feels like that EVERYWHERE! 

I am also doing a 21 day cleanse... because for the last time in this post, I hate myself. Probably going to be a crab monster and hell on earth to everyone who encounters me. But, I have 55 pounds to lose and it's time to make myself into the person I want to be. Hence the kick start into this little uhm journey... should be fun. Currently doing some at home, body resistance training, cardio, slightly weight lifting and of course yoga! I am still doing Adriane's Yoga Bootcamp, still definitely recommending her. Shes so fun, the little one is doing yoga too :)

Her best downward dog, gotta start em' young! I am also planning on doing Wanderlust in Chicago this year (since it will be a birthday present to myself). Besides the rest of all the little goodies it includes, the main attraction is yoga, a 5k and mediation.  Beyond excited, and if you want to come but are too afraid to go alone... 

you've got a friend in me! I mean seriously, who doesn't love a 5k, followed by yoga and mediation? That isn't sarcasm, that is all serious-ness.  I am also freakishly excited about this entire thing. AND it's in Chicago... what better place to be?! Okay okay, I will lasso my excitement back in. But really- waaay too excited about this. 2 hours in to the 10 hours shift before 38 off. I should probably get back to attending to my crews. As always, much love from behind the dispatch desk. 

Banana Bread and Beginnings

Tossed away in the back of your ques rested this blog.... Dormant and lacking love. UNTIL NOW! Guess who's making their come back? Boom. Y'all miss me? Some of you may remember my random, explicit filled blogs that discussed food and liquor. Some of you didn't tune in until I was a mom and the blogs were still filled with explicits and liquor. And mom things. And for my loyals- y'all remember when this blog wasn't called Mama Tried. Those were dark days. But everyone has to start somewhere. So what's been going since I last left you... Well hmm. For starters I'm still losing that baby weight.

Whoever said it takes a year was a liar. Hope their pants burned right off. But I'm sure most women were more active than I was at first. But never fear! I've restarted my yoga practice and have lots of little bits and bites for you there. 

Also- school? Oh boy let me tell you. Whatever dream land I was living in that made me thought as a single mom with a newborn I could tackle nursing school must have been pretty. But here in the real world I realized I couldn't tackle both at once and think about working. Enter stage right, the best opportunity that could have arose. I now work in a dispatch center for my county's ambulances and love it. And because I wouldn't be me if i didn't have a plate full, I'm also going to EMT school and being the single parent I've been. 

Speaking of single parent- little miss EM is a weed. She has seriously sprouted up and over to the moon! Almost two now she's climbing and running and how could I forget, talking. And I mean she talks. All day. All night. Wakes up and still talks. It's like she doesn't know what silence is. Unless of course she's getting into something. Then suddenly silence. Funny how that works isn't it? 

But the most important thing (and something new to touch this blog) is my struggle with mental illness. I'm not one to talk about it or even admit to it but it seems that this might be the best thing to do. I know not many people like to discuss their issues but when you have people like me who Google and Google for hours searching for ANYONE who feels like you- it sucks that no one will just talk about it. And let's face it- it can be an ugly topic. That being said I'm going to lower walls that haven't ever been lowered before and hopefully I'll help someone out there to know they don't have to be alone. I realized over a year ago I had something going on mentally but never wanted to deal with it. Shit I still don't. But it's time to stop playing for just me and start playing for the little girl who depends on me. The yoga however is just for me. 

So quick review; new house, new job, new school, new goals, new outlook on life? Lots to talk about. Where to begin? 

At banana bread. Because everything is better with banana bread. And because I just happened to feel motivated halfway through writing this and decided to crank out so bread. That's what normal people do, right? No? Well. Without more rambling, here is the recipe for a most delicious bread (and if you feel rebellious like I did- throw some chocolate chips in there). 

I decided to make this at 8 at night so there was no way I was dragging out my mixer. And really you don't need to- use those arm muscles ya mama gave ya!

Ingredients
- 3 very ripe bananas, peeled
- 1/3 cup melted butter
- 1 cup of sugar
- 1 egg, beaten
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
- pinch of salt

Preheat that little oven to 350 degrees and butter a 4x8 loaf pan.

In a mixing bowl, mash the ripe bananas with a fork until smooth. Stir the melted butter with the bananas until mixed together.

Mix in the baking soda and salt.  Stir in the sugar ,beaten egg, and vanilla extract. Mix in the flour.

Pour the batter into your prepared loaf pan.  Bake for 1 hour to 1 hour and 10 minutes (check at 50 minutes). Loaf is done when you can insert a tester and it comes out clean.

Remove from oven and cool completely on a rack.  Remove the banana bread from the pan. The first slice of warm bread is always the best.

I will be honest, I was out of baking soda and used baking powder.  The ratio to do this is for very 1 teaspoon of baking soda needed, use 4 teaspoons of baking powers.  Not sure if this will be able to be carried into every recipe so use with caution.  But definitely turned out wonderful with this one!

Until next time my lovelies!