Dear Confident 2 Year Old

Dear confident 2 year old,

Don't ever change. Your ability to walk into the world with arms open, fingers spread, grasping onto everything bit of knowledge is so endearing. Don't let the world jade you.  You won't always be met with the same kind of tenacity you have.  Keep your chin above the doubt and know that you are able to do anything you want to.  Let that confidence be your compass into this strange world.

Dear kind hearted child,

Your world is so full of love you do not know how to understand anything other than just that.  You have one of the largest families I know of- all of which pour never ending love your way.  You can't even begin to fathom the fact that this world you thrive in is full of hatred.  Don't ever let someone tell you that you are unloved.  You will always be loved.  Don't let the one day ex-lover tell you that you are unlovable- because my child you are full of reason to be loved.  Please never cry those red, hot tears of disappointment. Of embarrassment. Of fear.  Of feeling less than.  Because you are more than all else.

Dear gorgeous, blue eyed wonder,

Your porcelain skin will gather you some attention.  It won't always be kind attention.  I know one day you will want to change that skin to dark tan like your aunt.  You will hate your freckles and cover them with concealer.  But never forget how beautiful you are.  Your eyes shine with the brilliance you have hidden far behind them.  You smile will brighten every room this house holds.  Never let someone else's opinions dampen your own opinion of yourself.  When you were born your face was full of innocence.  And although now you have your mischievous smile- innocence still fills you.  Today you look at yourself with such happiness while you figured out how to buckle your own shoe.  All this without any tan, any makeup, any altering.  Remember you never need to change to be beautiful.  Remember how to feel this beautiful by yourself, because one day you won't believe me.

Lastly. Dear my almost 3 year old,

You are more than I have ever dreamed of.  You are the reason for each breath I take.  You are the reason I say no sometimes, and the reason we dance in the rain.  You're the light of each of my days.  Another year has flown by and I am not ready for each one coming.  You are my blessing, and my entire world.  And I will show the way, through this strange and crazy world.  Take my hand, child. The unpaved path is better not traveled alone.

Banana Bread and Beginnings

Tossed away in the back of your ques rested this blog.... Dormant and lacking love. UNTIL NOW! Guess who's making their come back? Boom. Y'all miss me? Some of you may remember my random, explicit filled blogs that discussed food and liquor. Some of you didn't tune in until I was a mom and the blogs were still filled with explicits and liquor. And mom things. And for my loyals- y'all remember when this blog wasn't called Mama Tried. Those were dark days. But everyone has to start somewhere. So what's been going since I last left you... Well hmm. For starters I'm still losing that baby weight.

Whoever said it takes a year was a liar. Hope their pants burned right off. But I'm sure most women were more active than I was at first. But never fear! I've restarted my yoga practice and have lots of little bits and bites for you there. 

Also- school? Oh boy let me tell you. Whatever dream land I was living in that made me thought as a single mom with a newborn I could tackle nursing school must have been pretty. But here in the real world I realized I couldn't tackle both at once and think about working. Enter stage right, the best opportunity that could have arose. I now work in a dispatch center for my county's ambulances and love it. And because I wouldn't be me if i didn't have a plate full, I'm also going to EMT school and being the single parent I've been. 

Speaking of single parent- little miss EM is a weed. She has seriously sprouted up and over to the moon! Almost two now she's climbing and running and how could I forget, talking. And I mean she talks. All day. All night. Wakes up and still talks. It's like she doesn't know what silence is. Unless of course she's getting into something. Then suddenly silence. Funny how that works isn't it? 

But the most important thing (and something new to touch this blog) is my struggle with mental illness. I'm not one to talk about it or even admit to it but it seems that this might be the best thing to do. I know not many people like to discuss their issues but when you have people like me who Google and Google for hours searching for ANYONE who feels like you- it sucks that no one will just talk about it. And let's face it- it can be an ugly topic. That being said I'm going to lower walls that haven't ever been lowered before and hopefully I'll help someone out there to know they don't have to be alone. I realized over a year ago I had something going on mentally but never wanted to deal with it. Shit I still don't. But it's time to stop playing for just me and start playing for the little girl who depends on me. The yoga however is just for me. 

So quick review; new house, new job, new school, new goals, new outlook on life? Lots to talk about. Where to begin? 

At banana bread. Because everything is better with banana bread. And because I just happened to feel motivated halfway through writing this and decided to crank out so bread. That's what normal people do, right? No? Well. Without more rambling, here is the recipe for a most delicious bread (and if you feel rebellious like I did- throw some chocolate chips in there). 

I decided to make this at 8 at night so there was no way I was dragging out my mixer. And really you don't need to- use those arm muscles ya mama gave ya!

Ingredients
- 3 very ripe bananas, peeled
- 1/3 cup melted butter
- 1 cup of sugar
- 1 egg, beaten
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
- pinch of salt

Preheat that little oven to 350 degrees and butter a 4x8 loaf pan.

In a mixing bowl, mash the ripe bananas with a fork until smooth. Stir the melted butter with the bananas until mixed together.

Mix in the baking soda and salt.  Stir in the sugar ,beaten egg, and vanilla extract. Mix in the flour.

Pour the batter into your prepared loaf pan.  Bake for 1 hour to 1 hour and 10 minutes (check at 50 minutes). Loaf is done when you can insert a tester and it comes out clean.

Remove from oven and cool completely on a rack.  Remove the banana bread from the pan. The first slice of warm bread is always the best.

I will be honest, I was out of baking soda and used baking powder.  The ratio to do this is for very 1 teaspoon of baking soda needed, use 4 teaspoons of baking powers.  Not sure if this will be able to be carried into every recipe so use with caution.  But definitely turned out wonderful with this one!

Until next time my lovelies!

Mercilessly Plugging Myself

Don't you hate when people promote themselves? Yea, so do I. But that isn't going to stop me! For about a month now I have been getting my Etsy shop back up and running from when he who we do not speak up ran it into the ground.  He caused me many bad reviews, and I have remedied all but one.  But, that won't stop me.

So, my shameless plug! I have realized there is this demand for mothers who work gruesome hours to put on this big show for their children's parties.  However, unless you're a stay at home mom who really has the time to make tutus and Olaf cupcakes?  How about those cute Jake and the Nederland Pirate nick nacks? Or the chalk board stat board to boast about your child's teeth and favorite foods? 

I do.  As a stay at home mom it allows me to make all those things you don't have time for.  And who has to know that it came from me?  No one, thats who.  My current favorite thing to make are those adorable tuts I mentioned previously.  Because, what is cuter than a child in a tutu? Nothing. 

Look at that face.  Who can deny that?  What makes this photo? The tutu.  Okay, maybe I a fibbing, its my daughter haha but really now, you know that is a stinking cute photo.  

So, lets say you aren't throwing the party but going to one... what do you get the child who has everything (like my LO).  Something handmade is always better than plastic and impersonal.  But who has that time? Yep, me again. I make hats, dresses, mittens, headbands. You name it I make it.  My current two projects are a crown and barefoot boho sandals.  I am dying to break those bad boys out!  

So where can you see all these wonderful things? Here of course! If you have any questions, or want something custom made just shoot me a message and I can discuss any ideas with you!  Hope to see you soon!

Thank You

Part of me never thought I would thank you.  For everything you have put me through, everything I have dealt with, the names I have been called, the looks I have received.  I never thought I would ever even write this... I know it will never be read by you, and honestly I don't think I ever intended for it to be.  Maybe this is me raising my voice for those who might have been in my situation or are still going through it.  

First off, let me thank you for the year we had together.  I really learned who I was.  And I don't mean who I was with you.  I learned the true meaning of a dollar, the true worth of someone's word.  I accomplished a dream of mine, getting to work in the medical field.  I started school back up, something I never thought I would get back into.  I purchased my first car, threw down my first down payment on a place, and even experienced what penny pinching was.  

Thank you for cheating on me. 

Honestly.

You introduced me to self preservation. It's not that I won't trust anyone anymore, but now I will do so more deliberately.  You forced me to leave the comfort I knew and forced me to make decisions for myself, who I truly am, not who I was trying to be.  I realized I could be with someone so much better, myself.  Thank you for taking all the furniture and leaving me with blankets, a TV and the cable.  You taught me how to find joy with nothing.  And ultimately you forced me to move back closer to my family.  That was a blessing I didn't even know about at the time.  

Thank you for the weekend we spent together months after we split.  "Trying to see how it felt" was just an excuse to get into my bed, and it worked.  Call me sentimental, but I guess memories of happiness allowed you to walk right past my walls.  However, it finalized in my mind that we would never be able to work, and that it was a good thing our engagement fell apart.  But above that, it gave me my most prized possession. You gave me our daughter. 

I know you don't see her as yours, quite frankly I believe your exact words when I called you to tell you the news were, "Fuck off."  I cried, scared that she would blame me for you not wanting to be around.  Blame me for you choosing to be a dad to your girlfriend's daughter and not your own.  And then it hit me; it was a blessing.  I would never have to share those hugs or her kisses she gives while nuzzling her head into your cheek.  Only my chest would she fall asleep on.  Sharing a bed would mean with her only.  When she is older and has a boo-boo, I will be the only one she runs to.  I don't have to share late night snuggles or early morning giggles.  

Sure, there is no one to share the spit up with, or help with the midnight crying while I take too long to make a bottle.  No one to take shifts on diapers or maybe hold her while I mop up my own sleep deprived tears at 3 am.  But I'm glad.  I wouldn't trade any of this for the world.  She makes me a better person.  Everything I do in my life, I do for this little girl.  No longer am I striving to be better for a man, but for a little girl with the most brilliant blues eyes like her mama.  In her eyes, I am a hero.  

I am both mom and dad.  I will hold her while she cries over the boy, and then hunt him down.  I will do her hair for prom, and then threaten her date that on time really means 5 minutes early.  I am both the maternal love and paternal strength.  I am capable of anything.  And it was thanks to your lack of responsibility and compassion that I am able to see this.  Your selfishness has shown me how to be the most amazing person I could ever imagine becoming.  One day she will be old enough to see who raised her, who made the sacrifices for her.  

See, you left me and her behind.  You have your own life now and have happily moved on with your life.  And for all of this I thank you.  Thank you for showing me the real man you are.  Thank you for leaving and showing me that I deserved so much more than you.  Thank you for stepping aside so a man who is better suited for the situation could step up to the plate you so sheepishly ran from; someone who offered to help instead of being scared of the situation.  Thank you for showing me that my happily ever after is with a little girl who scrunches her nose when she smiles while she shares her puffs with the dog.

A Spoonful of Sugar

I feel like I may have watched Mary Poppins too many times growing up.  I truly do believe that something with a high enough sugar content can make any shitty situation completely better.  Think about it, what was the best part of going to birthday parties? It wasn't watching your friend get cooler toys than you.  It was the cake.  What do they give kids after they get shots at the doctors office? A sucker, unless you had my pediatrician growing who gave you band aides and stickers. Yea I was deprived as a child.  What do pregnant women crave? Sweet stuff in every variety .  Face it, I am right and you know it.  Well, Mary Poppins was right.... I guess I'm just riding the coat tails in this one.  With that being established though, I had a shitty day yesterday.  One of those days where the stress just boils over.  And I am sure we all have our vices and knacks that we go to to relieve stress.  Normally I would power smoke a pack a cigarettes while baking enough for a small town.  Seeing as I am cutting back in all things in that statement, I only baked enough for half of that town.  Because not only do I bake when I am under a lot of strews, but duh! Sweet things are the cure to my shitty day. 

I actually started off cooking.  I guess you can call it cooking.... I made tuna pasta.  Basic little ditty really.  Celery, onions, frozen peas, tuna, sour cream, mayonnaise, and of course noodles.  Now I use these cute little noodles, they're like little bands and super adorable.  I don't even know the correct name for this noodle because I literally call them the tuna noodles.  Its a simple and quick dish that it a summer time staple really. You need it in your life. Are you doubting this? You're missing out, I promise.

But then of course I needed to bake some sweets.  I started off cheating, and thought that baking ore made cookie dough would suffice. Sadly, or maybe dumbly (is that even a word?) I was wrong.  I should have known better haha.  So it was time to whip up a batch of homemade cookies.  And of course I choose peanut butter because no one can go wrong with peanut butter.  Well, I guess if you're allergic you could go wring with peanut butter..... but most people can't go wrong with peanut butter. So on went the apron and on to baking we went.

For this recipe you're going to need:
3 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
16 tablespoons (2 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature
3/4 cup sugar
1 1/4 cups packed dark brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup creamy or crunchy peanut butter (I use creamy, but I have heard amazing things about crunchy)

I don't believe in double cookie sheets going at once.  I know this drags out the process but honestly if you want to perfect cookie, you need your rack in the center of the oven and only work with one sheet at a time.  With that being said, preheat your oven to 350°F.  Go ahead and butter (or Pam) your cookie sheets.  Whisk together your flour, baking soda and salt in a medium to large size bowl and set it off to the side. 
Now its time to pull out the old electric mixer.  You want to mix beat your butter with both sugars for about three minutes on medium speed until it becomes light and fluffy.  Next you're going to reduce speed slightly and add the eggs and the vanilla; beat until smooth a d well combined.  Scrape down the sides of the bowl.  Reduce speed to low and beat I n the flour mixture in two parts so as not to overwhelm the mixer (and make it easier on yourself).  Mix until its combines evenly. 

When you're adding the floor, make sure you go slow or you will end up with flour on your feet like I managed to do....

Roll one inch balls and place on your cookie sheet.  Flatten each ball by pressing the tined of a fork into a crisscross pattern.  Don't squish all the way down or you will have very crunchy, paper thin cookies.  Bake for 13 minutes, or until golder brown on bottom and barely colored on top.  Cool on pan for 5 minutes before transferring to a cooling rack.  Allow to completely cool. 

And voila! You have amazing peanut butter cookies! This recipe makes an obscene 80 cookies or so.  Make sure you have a crowd who will devour them, mine were gone within two days.  Yes its possible.  And no I didn't eat them all.

My tip, between each sheet of cookies, pace your self.  I normally took the out and let the cool for five minutes.  Then I waited another five before trying to put more cookie dough on that sheet,  otherwise your dough melts before you even get it into the over.  And who wants a gooey mess?  These cookies would be great during Christmas or just because you need some sugar.  Definitely a great rainy project for the kids! Hopefully y'all enjoy and it brings some sunshine to your afternoon. 

Coffee, God and Cigarettes

Does anyone else have this almost morning ritual?  I have had the same morning ritual for about five or so years now (with a few tweaks here and there). Every morning I get up and pour myself a nice cup o' Joe with a splash of creamer, sit down and hop on tumblr.  I'm not sure if it's the combination of something visual instead of reading that I prefer or the fact that sometimes I just need to look at a fitblr (for those who aren't familiar, that is a fitness blog on tumblr) for some extra motivation to get through the day, but tumblr has never been replaced with a newspaper or even an ebook.  However, now with a little one I have come to  realize how important those rituals can be.  We have fallen into a pattern (at only 3 months) and everyday like clockwork we stick right to it.  And no matter what I do to change this routine, the NICU made her sleep and eating patterns and she has not (a stubborn little one) been willing to let these times go.  

So you may ask what this NICU schedule was? Basically she ate at 1, 4, 7, 10 and repeat. Now I have been blessed by the Gods with an extremely good baby.  At 3 months (almost) she sleeps through the night. We haven't perfected night time yet but hey once she goes down, she is down for the night.  But our morning routine is a little like this...

6:30- Wake up and demand breakfast in bed right NOW

7:00- Now I want you to dance with me to whatever is playing on CMT 

7:30- Did I say stop?

7:45- This room is boring now, remind me what the rest of the house looks like

8:00- Now we will go outside or I will cry until we do. 

8:15- Let's cuddle on the couch, oh and I want 2 more ounces of milk

8:45- Oh it's 8:45 AM? More like PM, goodnight. 

By nine we are back asleep until at least about eleven.  Which gives me the perfect time for coffee and tumblr to unwind and finish waking up before I launch into my school books and take advantage of the sleeping beast.  Now as for the rest of the day its a crap shoot.  Lately we have been boycotting our afternoon nap so I have a cranky baby by 5, but that normally is cured by new people getting home from work.  Ya know, cause mom gets boring after awhile.  We are also going through a mommy stage, which means that during the day I better have that sling out and handy because if she isn't touching me, she isn't having it.  Only for someone so cute would I put up with that.  

Now on a completely unrelated note, I have found a song that speaks to my morning routine (not the routine with my child).  And as the song goes, those things really are the only things that keep me sane some days when the stress is just too much. 

I'll just leave that right here.... yea, right there. That works for me. 

And Tonight, Mommy Needed a Drink

There are always those days that you just sink into the couch at the end of the night and know that you deserve a drink.  Lately the little one had just been crying up a storm.  I am not sure who thought the terrible two's were the worst; but honestly I would take a child throwing a temper tantrum any day to a child who can't tell you why they're crying.  And then there are always those special nights where you have been run so ragged you can't tell ice cubes to Legos.

Lately the little one seems to know when I am trying to put her down for a nap, or the night.  And it is really starting to run me ragged.  How can someone so small be so smart?  Is this Baby Genius?  She will do anything to get out of sleeping.  She will start cooing so sweetly, smiling her little happy face right off.  Then she breaks out the A game, she reaches out and start holding your hand, or cuddling into the crook of your neck.  She is quite the little player to try and get what she wants.  And of course when all else fails she resorts to straight screaming until she is bright red and gasping for breath.

The struggle the other night just happened to be her ability to wake up at the most inopportune times.  No matter what we did her little eyes would pop right back open the second you tried to do anything other than give her your full and devoted attention.  Which is great, if you haven't been holding it for three hours, and now you need to go NOW.  So while you're doing the dance down the hallway, only inches from freedom, she starts to wail.  Normally I would just quick pee and run to her, a few moments of crying won't hurt her.  But she has been battling a cold and when she starts crying she gets so fired up she stops breathing.  Yea, its serious to her.  So I can't fathom letting her cry for even a moment.  But I can proudly say I have now mastered pulling down pants with one hand, seeing as you can't hold it forever... and she just had to come with.

Our new favorite game she likes to play is to projectile shoot the pacifier out of her mouth at the dog.  Only at the dog. Because apparently the dog is the best target.

That is love on both of their faces...

But as fun a Spa-tooey is (that is what we named her new favorite game), she has been an absolute doll with allowing me to study.  She has no problem curling up and listening to me talk about different body parts or the construction of the body.  As long as I am talk, she doesn't fuss.  And they said you're supposed to read to your children, they never specified as to what you're supposed to read.  Watch ten years from now you'll find out I did her right haha!  One can only hope; I mean we all damage our kids, one could hope something good comes from what we're doing! 

Now back to that drink? Just in case you needed a new one for the back to school weeks, I have one just for y'all! It's called the Slutty Soccer Mom.  It's 2 oz. vodka, 1 part grape juice and 1 part cherry juice. Come on, don't play dumb, you know you have all those ingredients in your van right now... including the vodka. 

And then I decided to rip out my hair....

I am not sure how some of you handle being a mom.  I mean, you get the smiles and the cuddles, you hold this magical power to cure pain with a kiss, and don't forget those wonderful coo's.  That alone makes almost everything worth it.  But you also get the screaming at 2 in the morning, and the poo everywhere that you inevitably end up wearing at some point during the day. You battle other people who think they know what is best for you child, even those who have never had a child of their own (because obviously they know how it is supposed to work, and its NOT what you're doing).  Clearly I am a new mom, and a single one at that, but hot damn this is not for the faint of heart.  I am currently juggling going back to school to finish what I started (getting my BSN), raising my daughter, and acquiring a part time job to fund this madness.  But some mornings I swear to you, there is no desire to get out of bed or even think about trekking up those mountainous things they call stairs to go make a bottle.

This picture is brought to you by...

exhaustion and a tummy full of milk!

I have noticed my biggest problem.  I have tried to combine to lives that don't easily combine.  Let's review here:

-I am still trying to exercise like a 21 year old.  I want to jump into these crazy routines and slam protein and lose weight.  Have you ever tried to work out with a newborn?  You can have them fast asleep and the second you pick up a weight or start up that elliptical their little eyes shoot open and they decide to summon their inner demon and shriek while their head spins round like the exorcism.  Any groove you had or your heart rate has no plummeted and you get the start the task of starting all over.  Give it about 4 rounds of this and you start to question whether it really matters if you lose that baby fat.

-College has no benefits while raising a child.  It is another time sucker and it will eat away at your soul.  It adds stress and gives you 87 hours of homework and studying you need to accomplish.  That in itself is a full time job.  Oh wait, so is raising a child.  When was the last time you worked two full time jobs? Probably never because you like your sanity.  Some of us like to gamble with that sanity and see how much we can take on. And sometimes we find ourselves taking class notes on a diaper, and that's perfectly okay (give us two more cups of coffee and we might even notice what we're doing).

Give us a minute... or forty

-Speaking of jobs, you have to make money somehow, right? Ah yes, you have to pay for diapers because the last time I checked the magical pacifier fairy (who steal/hides all the pacifiers from me) doesn't have a sister who makes formula and diapers appear.  As lovely as that would be.

-Here is my biggest struggle.... I am only 21!  Do I love my daughter? To the moon and back. Are there nights that I just wish I could go out drinking without having to worry about finding a baby sitter, or the extra cost of that night out?  YES! Does this make me a bad parent? No.  I have seen too many new moms who have fizzled and burned because they are all baby all the time.  No breaks creates a mental break, and you need your sanity to be a mom.  Every mom needs a free night.  Whether you use that free night to go out and drink at the bar, go to a concert, or just get a solid night of sleep- we all need it.

At the end of the day you're exhausted, you have laundry piled high, you realize you have really only had coffee to eat that day, you still have yet to have a shower, and you might want to consider brushing your hair. But then you notice that sweet angel next to you fast asleep, and you soak it in.  Because no matter how hectic your life is, no matter how backed up you are in what you need to get done, nothing will compare to seeing that sweet smile at you, hearing those early morning coo's, or when she curls up and grasps your shirt and won't let go.  It won't matter how many days it has been since your last shower, or when the last time you had a conversation that wasn't in baby talk.  You would take on more if it meant she will have a good life, and then do it all over again.

Much love y'all :)