Mercilessly Plugging Myself

Don't you hate when people promote themselves? Yea, so do I. But that isn't going to stop me! For about a month now I have been getting my Etsy shop back up and running from when he who we do not speak up ran it into the ground.  He caused me many bad reviews, and I have remedied all but one.  But, that won't stop me.

So, my shameless plug! I have realized there is this demand for mothers who work gruesome hours to put on this big show for their children's parties.  However, unless you're a stay at home mom who really has the time to make tutus and Olaf cupcakes?  How about those cute Jake and the Nederland Pirate nick nacks? Or the chalk board stat board to boast about your child's teeth and favorite foods? 

I do.  As a stay at home mom it allows me to make all those things you don't have time for.  And who has to know that it came from me?  No one, thats who.  My current favorite thing to make are those adorable tuts I mentioned previously.  Because, what is cuter than a child in a tutu? Nothing. 

Look at that face.  Who can deny that?  What makes this photo? The tutu.  Okay, maybe I a fibbing, its my daughter haha but really now, you know that is a stinking cute photo.  

So, lets say you aren't throwing the party but going to one... what do you get the child who has everything (like my LO).  Something handmade is always better than plastic and impersonal.  But who has that time? Yep, me again. I make hats, dresses, mittens, headbands. You name it I make it.  My current two projects are a crown and barefoot boho sandals.  I am dying to break those bad boys out!  

So where can you see all these wonderful things? Here of course! If you have any questions, or want something custom made just shoot me a message and I can discuss any ideas with you!  Hope to see you soon!

Thank You

Part of me never thought I would thank you.  For everything you have put me through, everything I have dealt with, the names I have been called, the looks I have received.  I never thought I would ever even write this... I know it will never be read by you, and honestly I don't think I ever intended for it to be.  Maybe this is me raising my voice for those who might have been in my situation or are still going through it.  

First off, let me thank you for the year we had together.  I really learned who I was.  And I don't mean who I was with you.  I learned the true meaning of a dollar, the true worth of someone's word.  I accomplished a dream of mine, getting to work in the medical field.  I started school back up, something I never thought I would get back into.  I purchased my first car, threw down my first down payment on a place, and even experienced what penny pinching was.  

Thank you for cheating on me. 

Honestly.

You introduced me to self preservation. It's not that I won't trust anyone anymore, but now I will do so more deliberately.  You forced me to leave the comfort I knew and forced me to make decisions for myself, who I truly am, not who I was trying to be.  I realized I could be with someone so much better, myself.  Thank you for taking all the furniture and leaving me with blankets, a TV and the cable.  You taught me how to find joy with nothing.  And ultimately you forced me to move back closer to my family.  That was a blessing I didn't even know about at the time.  

Thank you for the weekend we spent together months after we split.  "Trying to see how it felt" was just an excuse to get into my bed, and it worked.  Call me sentimental, but I guess memories of happiness allowed you to walk right past my walls.  However, it finalized in my mind that we would never be able to work, and that it was a good thing our engagement fell apart.  But above that, it gave me my most prized possession. You gave me our daughter. 

I know you don't see her as yours, quite frankly I believe your exact words when I called you to tell you the news were, "Fuck off."  I cried, scared that she would blame me for you not wanting to be around.  Blame me for you choosing to be a dad to your girlfriend's daughter and not your own.  And then it hit me; it was a blessing.  I would never have to share those hugs or her kisses she gives while nuzzling her head into your cheek.  Only my chest would she fall asleep on.  Sharing a bed would mean with her only.  When she is older and has a boo-boo, I will be the only one she runs to.  I don't have to share late night snuggles or early morning giggles.  

Sure, there is no one to share the spit up with, or help with the midnight crying while I take too long to make a bottle.  No one to take shifts on diapers or maybe hold her while I mop up my own sleep deprived tears at 3 am.  But I'm glad.  I wouldn't trade any of this for the world.  She makes me a better person.  Everything I do in my life, I do for this little girl.  No longer am I striving to be better for a man, but for a little girl with the most brilliant blues eyes like her mama.  In her eyes, I am a hero.  

I am both mom and dad.  I will hold her while she cries over the boy, and then hunt him down.  I will do her hair for prom, and then threaten her date that on time really means 5 minutes early.  I am both the maternal love and paternal strength.  I am capable of anything.  And it was thanks to your lack of responsibility and compassion that I am able to see this.  Your selfishness has shown me how to be the most amazing person I could ever imagine becoming.  One day she will be old enough to see who raised her, who made the sacrifices for her.  

See, you left me and her behind.  You have your own life now and have happily moved on with your life.  And for all of this I thank you.  Thank you for showing me the real man you are.  Thank you for leaving and showing me that I deserved so much more than you.  Thank you for stepping aside so a man who is better suited for the situation could step up to the plate you so sheepishly ran from; someone who offered to help instead of being scared of the situation.  Thank you for showing me that my happily ever after is with a little girl who scrunches her nose when she smiles while she shares her puffs with the dog.

Well, Look What Came Back (life recap)

Stress.  It   plagues us all.  And it has never been something that is easy to deal with.  Try my shoes on for example.  I am a nursing student who has a nine month old child, a long distance relationship, struggling to find that way to get back to my before baby body, attempting to understand how you do makeup (since at 21 I have yet to figure out how to apply it tastefully), and debating getting back into the work force.  I have recently began yoga twice a week and I am starting to run again.  But lets be realistic, a month ago I was 2 weeks into T25 and then had a wine night and all hell broke loose and back to old habits we went.  One glass of wine and the want is gone.  What is that saying?  Flat abs or this cake?  Fucking pull out the knife cause I am going with the cake! 

But seriously who are we to think that going about something like this alone was a good idea?  I have tried the different avenues like Nike Fuelband Plus majigger support and the Jawbone community is obsolete.  I have never been a fan of the Fitbit because they seem like a cult.  And don't get me started on those weight  watching programs like Jenny Craig... But nothing really ever worked.  I even found this cute little app called Weilos, and for he two months I was good about using it, it was amazing.  But like every app I used it seems that after about a month I forget about it, or put of entering what I need to and then it become just another memory sucking icon on my phone.  Lets see, if I open this bad boy up right now I have 1, 2, 3, annnd oh look a whole folder full of 5 more apps I never use labeled "Health" with a running man after it... as if this little emoji running man was going to suddenly motivate me when looking at Jennifer Aniston's sexy body at 50 doesn't. 

However I know that putting things out in the open help to motivate people and I think that is exactly what I am going to do.  No, this isn't going to turn into one of those crazy health and fitness blogs because lets face it, that requires me to be motivated and actually accomplish something every day.  However this will be one of those, "real life, this is the shit I deal with everyday and no I don't care that I wore this shirt yesterday, yes I know there is baby food on it.  Do you really think I am going to go for that run? No I don't care how many calories are in the McDouble.... wait yes I do. Shit that test was today!" blogs. 

So I am going to be straight blunt with you.  I have a tummy donut.  Or maybe a deflated basketball duct taped to my awesome six pack abs you just can't see is more like it.  Either way, if I were to wear jeans you would think I was smuggling chips under my shirt.  I may or may not restart T25... if you would like actual reviews on it let me know.... I do have downloaded  (but never used!) the Nike training club app. I was thinking about starting that up... who knows.  The yoga I am doing is Hatha.  I can post videos that will correspond with what I am doing in this class.  I also might rant about my wonderful choice in major.... nursing.  Why do people decide this as a major? I want to shoot myself.  Is anatomy even possible to pass? 

At any rate I am excited to kick back into my blog!  I have definitely missed y'all! 

Coffee, God and Cigarettes

Does anyone else have this almost morning ritual?  I have had the same morning ritual for about five or so years now (with a few tweaks here and there). Every morning I get up and pour myself a nice cup o' Joe with a splash of creamer, sit down and hop on tumblr.  I'm not sure if it's the combination of something visual instead of reading that I prefer or the fact that sometimes I just need to look at a fitblr (for those who aren't familiar, that is a fitness blog on tumblr) for some extra motivation to get through the day, but tumblr has never been replaced with a newspaper or even an ebook.  However, now with a little one I have come to  realize how important those rituals can be.  We have fallen into a pattern (at only 3 months) and everyday like clockwork we stick right to it.  And no matter what I do to change this routine, the NICU made her sleep and eating patterns and she has not (a stubborn little one) been willing to let these times go.  

So you may ask what this NICU schedule was? Basically she ate at 1, 4, 7, 10 and repeat. Now I have been blessed by the Gods with an extremely good baby.  At 3 months (almost) she sleeps through the night. We haven't perfected night time yet but hey once she goes down, she is down for the night.  But our morning routine is a little like this...

6:30- Wake up and demand breakfast in bed right NOW

7:00- Now I want you to dance with me to whatever is playing on CMT 

7:30- Did I say stop?

7:45- This room is boring now, remind me what the rest of the house looks like

8:00- Now we will go outside or I will cry until we do. 

8:15- Let's cuddle on the couch, oh and I want 2 more ounces of milk

8:45- Oh it's 8:45 AM? More like PM, goodnight. 

By nine we are back asleep until at least about eleven.  Which gives me the perfect time for coffee and tumblr to unwind and finish waking up before I launch into my school books and take advantage of the sleeping beast.  Now as for the rest of the day its a crap shoot.  Lately we have been boycotting our afternoon nap so I have a cranky baby by 5, but that normally is cured by new people getting home from work.  Ya know, cause mom gets boring after awhile.  We are also going through a mommy stage, which means that during the day I better have that sling out and handy because if she isn't touching me, she isn't having it.  Only for someone so cute would I put up with that.  

Now on a completely unrelated note, I have found a song that speaks to my morning routine (not the routine with my child).  And as the song goes, those things really are the only things that keep me sane some days when the stress is just too much. 

I'll just leave that right here.... yea, right there. That works for me. 

And then I decided to rip out my hair....

I am not sure how some of you handle being a mom.  I mean, you get the smiles and the cuddles, you hold this magical power to cure pain with a kiss, and don't forget those wonderful coo's.  That alone makes almost everything worth it.  But you also get the screaming at 2 in the morning, and the poo everywhere that you inevitably end up wearing at some point during the day. You battle other people who think they know what is best for you child, even those who have never had a child of their own (because obviously they know how it is supposed to work, and its NOT what you're doing).  Clearly I am a new mom, and a single one at that, but hot damn this is not for the faint of heart.  I am currently juggling going back to school to finish what I started (getting my BSN), raising my daughter, and acquiring a part time job to fund this madness.  But some mornings I swear to you, there is no desire to get out of bed or even think about trekking up those mountainous things they call stairs to go make a bottle.

This picture is brought to you by...

exhaustion and a tummy full of milk!

I have noticed my biggest problem.  I have tried to combine to lives that don't easily combine.  Let's review here:

-I am still trying to exercise like a 21 year old.  I want to jump into these crazy routines and slam protein and lose weight.  Have you ever tried to work out with a newborn?  You can have them fast asleep and the second you pick up a weight or start up that elliptical their little eyes shoot open and they decide to summon their inner demon and shriek while their head spins round like the exorcism.  Any groove you had or your heart rate has no plummeted and you get the start the task of starting all over.  Give it about 4 rounds of this and you start to question whether it really matters if you lose that baby fat.

-College has no benefits while raising a child.  It is another time sucker and it will eat away at your soul.  It adds stress and gives you 87 hours of homework and studying you need to accomplish.  That in itself is a full time job.  Oh wait, so is raising a child.  When was the last time you worked two full time jobs? Probably never because you like your sanity.  Some of us like to gamble with that sanity and see how much we can take on. And sometimes we find ourselves taking class notes on a diaper, and that's perfectly okay (give us two more cups of coffee and we might even notice what we're doing).

Give us a minute... or forty

-Speaking of jobs, you have to make money somehow, right? Ah yes, you have to pay for diapers because the last time I checked the magical pacifier fairy (who steal/hides all the pacifiers from me) doesn't have a sister who makes formula and diapers appear.  As lovely as that would be.

-Here is my biggest struggle.... I am only 21!  Do I love my daughter? To the moon and back. Are there nights that I just wish I could go out drinking without having to worry about finding a baby sitter, or the extra cost of that night out?  YES! Does this make me a bad parent? No.  I have seen too many new moms who have fizzled and burned because they are all baby all the time.  No breaks creates a mental break, and you need your sanity to be a mom.  Every mom needs a free night.  Whether you use that free night to go out and drink at the bar, go to a concert, or just get a solid night of sleep- we all need it.

At the end of the day you're exhausted, you have laundry piled high, you realize you have really only had coffee to eat that day, you still have yet to have a shower, and you might want to consider brushing your hair. But then you notice that sweet angel next to you fast asleep, and you soak it in.  Because no matter how hectic your life is, no matter how backed up you are in what you need to get done, nothing will compare to seeing that sweet smile at you, hearing those early morning coo's, or when she curls up and grasps your shirt and won't let go.  It won't matter how many days it has been since your last shower, or when the last time you had a conversation that wasn't in baby talk.  You would take on more if it meant she will have a good life, and then do it all over again.

Much love y'all :)