Dear Confident 2 Year Old

Dear confident 2 year old,

Don't ever change. Your ability to walk into the world with arms open, fingers spread, grasping onto everything bit of knowledge is so endearing. Don't let the world jade you.  You won't always be met with the same kind of tenacity you have.  Keep your chin above the doubt and know that you are able to do anything you want to.  Let that confidence be your compass into this strange world.

Dear kind hearted child,

Your world is so full of love you do not know how to understand anything other than just that.  You have one of the largest families I know of- all of which pour never ending love your way.  You can't even begin to fathom the fact that this world you thrive in is full of hatred.  Don't ever let someone tell you that you are unloved.  You will always be loved.  Don't let the one day ex-lover tell you that you are unlovable- because my child you are full of reason to be loved.  Please never cry those red, hot tears of disappointment. Of embarrassment. Of fear.  Of feeling less than.  Because you are more than all else.

Dear gorgeous, blue eyed wonder,

Your porcelain skin will gather you some attention.  It won't always be kind attention.  I know one day you will want to change that skin to dark tan like your aunt.  You will hate your freckles and cover them with concealer.  But never forget how beautiful you are.  Your eyes shine with the brilliance you have hidden far behind them.  You smile will brighten every room this house holds.  Never let someone else's opinions dampen your own opinion of yourself.  When you were born your face was full of innocence.  And although now you have your mischievous smile- innocence still fills you.  Today you look at yourself with such happiness while you figured out how to buckle your own shoe.  All this without any tan, any makeup, any altering.  Remember you never need to change to be beautiful.  Remember how to feel this beautiful by yourself, because one day you won't believe me.

Lastly. Dear my almost 3 year old,

You are more than I have ever dreamed of.  You are the reason for each breath I take.  You are the reason I say no sometimes, and the reason we dance in the rain.  You're the light of each of my days.  Another year has flown by and I am not ready for each one coming.  You are my blessing, and my entire world.  And I will show the way, through this strange and crazy world.  Take my hand, child. The unpaved path is better not traveled alone.

Obsessive Christmas Disorder

Okay I will admit I am a bit insane when it comes to Christmas. I start planning in August for who is getting what and how I am going to afford it all. But this Christmas it seems that I am not nearly as excited and my family seems to think I am.  This is the first Christmas with the new boy, and we are nearing a year together so the meshing of the holidays is still new.  However I am getting more and more stressed over this the closer it gets.  His family is very set in their ways, and I am not feeling the love from them.  Not that I should- we aren't particularly close.  But I am nervous that I am going to seem as more of a road block to their plans than a welcome addition.

Has anyone else had this?  Maybe it is because I am self conscious about being a young, single mother.  I am constantly thinking I am being judged by people and I don't want to come off as an ignorant and- oh I am not even sure how to phrase this.  His family has appeared to be welcoming of this little addition- but I do not want to come in and become cozy when I shouldn't.  

My family alone has a ridiculous amount of Christmas celebrations.  Divorced family means we had to adapt and make lots and lots of holidays. Now we add in theirs? Not to mention they overlap.  So who's do we chose?  His family already feels I pull him away too much... so I don't want to miss his- but I truly don't feel welcome at his.  

Ultimately I want to keep my daughter where she will feel the most comfortable- and that leads to my house, my mothers house and his house. Only time will tell I suppose.  He has been nothing but supportive of this entire blending and I know it is a work in progress.  All families blend at some point and traditions change. I guess I have always thought it would be a little bit less harsh than a straight shot of vodka.  

Testing for paramedic school is in less than two weeks and I can't contain my anxiety.  I keep telling myself I will be okay and I an do this- and it is not the paper test I am worried about.  I always get nervous when it comes to practicals, and of course there is one for entrance to this program.  I can not tell you of much it makes me want to curl into a ball over it.  13 days and I hope my lucky stars are aligned and I can keep my cool long enough to get in.  I had overwhelming support from people in their letters explaining that they have confidence in me to do this- so why don't I? 

Lord where did my back bone go? Better go find it. I am definitely going to need it.  But until then- I am going to finish watching this game 7 of the world series.  Die hard Cubs fan here! Go Cubs Go!