Mercilessly Plugging Myself

Don't you hate when people promote themselves? Yea, so do I. But that isn't going to stop me! For about a month now I have been getting my Etsy shop back up and running from when he who we do not speak up ran it into the ground.  He caused me many bad reviews, and I have remedied all but one.  But, that won't stop me.

So, my shameless plug! I have realized there is this demand for mothers who work gruesome hours to put on this big show for their children's parties.  However, unless you're a stay at home mom who really has the time to make tutus and Olaf cupcakes?  How about those cute Jake and the Nederland Pirate nick nacks? Or the chalk board stat board to boast about your child's teeth and favorite foods? 

I do.  As a stay at home mom it allows me to make all those things you don't have time for.  And who has to know that it came from me?  No one, thats who.  My current favorite thing to make are those adorable tuts I mentioned previously.  Because, what is cuter than a child in a tutu? Nothing. 

Look at that face.  Who can deny that?  What makes this photo? The tutu.  Okay, maybe I a fibbing, its my daughter haha but really now, you know that is a stinking cute photo.  

So, lets say you aren't throwing the party but going to one... what do you get the child who has everything (like my LO).  Something handmade is always better than plastic and impersonal.  But who has that time? Yep, me again. I make hats, dresses, mittens, headbands. You name it I make it.  My current two projects are a crown and barefoot boho sandals.  I am dying to break those bad boys out!  

So where can you see all these wonderful things? Here of course! If you have any questions, or want something custom made just shoot me a message and I can discuss any ideas with you!  Hope to see you soon!

That Dirty "D" Word

Have you ever had one of those days where you just can't seem to move?  You just feel overwhelmed and the whole planet is on your shoulders?  You stay curled in your bed and you just can't move one inch even if your life depended on it.  You can't smile, can't think happy things, you don't even want to eat.  You're distant, you push people away even if they were trying to help you.  Maybe you even lash out at those closest to you.  You don't care about anyone, anything, or even things you loved now seem pointless.  You feel hopeless, maybe helpless.  Like a burden, baggage or broken.  

Yea, maybe you have felt a few of these.  But I am going to assume they went away, and didn't linger for too long.  However, some of us feel this way everyday, or every other. Imagine life this way... Depression is something we rarely like to discuss in detail.  And there is such a misunderstanding of it that it is easy to brush it off as nothing.  Some people may think you just need not snap out of it, or that you are overreacting.  However, depression is nothing like this- it is a debilitating disease.  

Let me put it this way, if someone had a broken leg you wouldn't tell them to shake it off and go for a run.  You would understand and give them time to heal.  You would go on walks when they finally got their cast off and help them to build their strength back up.  Depending on how bad the break was, you may be changed permanently.  A sensitivity to cold, prolonged weight on that leg, or how you walk.  You may never be back to how you were. That is exactly how depression is.  

Try to imagine that depression is like being in a dark tunnel. The person with depression can’t see a thing, because everything is surrounded by darkness. Every sound is amplified, every fear is magnified. All they want to do is get out of the tunnel, but they can’t see where to go, they don’t know what to do. Your natural reaction is to lead them out of this dark tunnel, back to the light. 

This is the WRONG approach. You may think it makes sense, but for the person with depression, nothing makes sense. That’s the nature of the illness. They can’t be led out of the tunnel, because the fear is too great, the darkness is too dark. Trying to drag them out of this tunnel is more likely to make them curl up and hide than do any good.

So what can you do? Some times it is the most simple of things.  

1. Reassure them! 

Sometimes it is really all it takes.  They feel they are a burden, that they are too much for anyone to handle.  And then the snowball effect takes place- one thought turns into something much bigger than the original thought was, just picking up speed and size of seriousness like a snowball rolling down a hill. Reassure them that you can handle everything that is coming down the barrel.  That you are here for them through the good AND the bad.  Plus, most people who suffer from depression feel guilty for putting their loved ones through it, let them know it is okay.  

 2. Tell them you love them.

This may seem simple and maybe even stupid.  But it helps.  Look at old pictures, talk about memories of things you did.  Just take their mind on a trip down memory lane to happy thoughts.  Sometimes their mind just needs a distraction for a few, and this is the best kind of distraction.  

3. Hug them!

Studies have shows that people who hug release a chemical that produces a good feeling.  So snuggle your loved one up in a big ole' bear hug and release those giddy feelings.  Or for one more step up, throw on their favorite movie and just curl up.  The intimacy will make them feel secure and safe.  

4. Try and understand their feelings.

Sometimes it can be difficult to understand how your loved one feels.  Not all can explain how they feel, or put it into words.   So if they are able to voice their feelings, don't push them away as this can be extremely hard for them to attempt to do.  It might make them feel vulnerable.   Listen to them, and ask very direct questions if you don't understand what they are saying.  It is important to know that the first time you talk about it you may not get the answers you are looking for.  But with anything it is a process and eventually they will let you in.  

5. Get them out into the sunshine!

When you are in the sunshine you are getting Vitamin D.  This vitamin can help a small amount with depression.  However this can be a hard one as they may not be willing to go out.  Getting them out and doing activities can benefit them greatly.Try going for a small hike, and possibly a picnic.  Exercise helps boost moods drastically.  Also, being barefoot in dirt, or "earthing" helps ground the body and can reverse the effects of living in a world of emf's.  Digging in soil can act as an antidepressant as a strain of bacterium in soil, Mycobacterium vaccae, triggers the release of serotonin which in turn elevates mood and decreases anxiety. 

6. Help them clean.

This one is something I personally do.  When you are suffering from depression it can feel like the entire world just hit the fast forward button while you seem to be paused.  Garbage can get bigger and mail seems to just pile up unopened.  Dishes are starting to stack up and laundry has become a multi-load ordeal.  They may feel overwhelmed and have no idea where to start, so they just don't ever start.  By helping them you will relieve some of their stress and remind them that they aren't alone.  Plus it helps them get back to a place where they can handle it themselves.  

Your relationship may seem one sided at times.  But by helping your partner through these times you are strengthening your relationship and their ability to get back to focusing on said relationship.  Hope this helps loves :)

Thank You

Part of me never thought I would thank you.  For everything you have put me through, everything I have dealt with, the names I have been called, the looks I have received.  I never thought I would ever even write this... I know it will never be read by you, and honestly I don't think I ever intended for it to be.  Maybe this is me raising my voice for those who might have been in my situation or are still going through it.  

First off, let me thank you for the year we had together.  I really learned who I was.  And I don't mean who I was with you.  I learned the true meaning of a dollar, the true worth of someone's word.  I accomplished a dream of mine, getting to work in the medical field.  I started school back up, something I never thought I would get back into.  I purchased my first car, threw down my first down payment on a place, and even experienced what penny pinching was.  

Thank you for cheating on me. 

Honestly.

You introduced me to self preservation. It's not that I won't trust anyone anymore, but now I will do so more deliberately.  You forced me to leave the comfort I knew and forced me to make decisions for myself, who I truly am, not who I was trying to be.  I realized I could be with someone so much better, myself.  Thank you for taking all the furniture and leaving me with blankets, a TV and the cable.  You taught me how to find joy with nothing.  And ultimately you forced me to move back closer to my family.  That was a blessing I didn't even know about at the time.  

Thank you for the weekend we spent together months after we split.  "Trying to see how it felt" was just an excuse to get into my bed, and it worked.  Call me sentimental, but I guess memories of happiness allowed you to walk right past my walls.  However, it finalized in my mind that we would never be able to work, and that it was a good thing our engagement fell apart.  But above that, it gave me my most prized possession. You gave me our daughter. 

I know you don't see her as yours, quite frankly I believe your exact words when I called you to tell you the news were, "Fuck off."  I cried, scared that she would blame me for you not wanting to be around.  Blame me for you choosing to be a dad to your girlfriend's daughter and not your own.  And then it hit me; it was a blessing.  I would never have to share those hugs or her kisses she gives while nuzzling her head into your cheek.  Only my chest would she fall asleep on.  Sharing a bed would mean with her only.  When she is older and has a boo-boo, I will be the only one she runs to.  I don't have to share late night snuggles or early morning giggles.  

Sure, there is no one to share the spit up with, or help with the midnight crying while I take too long to make a bottle.  No one to take shifts on diapers or maybe hold her while I mop up my own sleep deprived tears at 3 am.  But I'm glad.  I wouldn't trade any of this for the world.  She makes me a better person.  Everything I do in my life, I do for this little girl.  No longer am I striving to be better for a man, but for a little girl with the most brilliant blues eyes like her mama.  In her eyes, I am a hero.  

I am both mom and dad.  I will hold her while she cries over the boy, and then hunt him down.  I will do her hair for prom, and then threaten her date that on time really means 5 minutes early.  I am both the maternal love and paternal strength.  I am capable of anything.  And it was thanks to your lack of responsibility and compassion that I am able to see this.  Your selfishness has shown me how to be the most amazing person I could ever imagine becoming.  One day she will be old enough to see who raised her, who made the sacrifices for her.  

See, you left me and her behind.  You have your own life now and have happily moved on with your life.  And for all of this I thank you.  Thank you for showing me the real man you are.  Thank you for leaving and showing me that I deserved so much more than you.  Thank you for stepping aside so a man who is better suited for the situation could step up to the plate you so sheepishly ran from; someone who offered to help instead of being scared of the situation.  Thank you for showing me that my happily ever after is with a little girl who scrunches her nose when she smiles while she shares her puffs with the dog.

Well, Look What Came Back (life recap)

Stress.  It   plagues us all.  And it has never been something that is easy to deal with.  Try my shoes on for example.  I am a nursing student who has a nine month old child, a long distance relationship, struggling to find that way to get back to my before baby body, attempting to understand how you do makeup (since at 21 I have yet to figure out how to apply it tastefully), and debating getting back into the work force.  I have recently began yoga twice a week and I am starting to run again.  But lets be realistic, a month ago I was 2 weeks into T25 and then had a wine night and all hell broke loose and back to old habits we went.  One glass of wine and the want is gone.  What is that saying?  Flat abs or this cake?  Fucking pull out the knife cause I am going with the cake! 

But seriously who are we to think that going about something like this alone was a good idea?  I have tried the different avenues like Nike Fuelband Plus majigger support and the Jawbone community is obsolete.  I have never been a fan of the Fitbit because they seem like a cult.  And don't get me started on those weight  watching programs like Jenny Craig... But nothing really ever worked.  I even found this cute little app called Weilos, and for he two months I was good about using it, it was amazing.  But like every app I used it seems that after about a month I forget about it, or put of entering what I need to and then it become just another memory sucking icon on my phone.  Lets see, if I open this bad boy up right now I have 1, 2, 3, annnd oh look a whole folder full of 5 more apps I never use labeled "Health" with a running man after it... as if this little emoji running man was going to suddenly motivate me when looking at Jennifer Aniston's sexy body at 50 doesn't. 

However I know that putting things out in the open help to motivate people and I think that is exactly what I am going to do.  No, this isn't going to turn into one of those crazy health and fitness blogs because lets face it, that requires me to be motivated and actually accomplish something every day.  However this will be one of those, "real life, this is the shit I deal with everyday and no I don't care that I wore this shirt yesterday, yes I know there is baby food on it.  Do you really think I am going to go for that run? No I don't care how many calories are in the McDouble.... wait yes I do. Shit that test was today!" blogs. 

So I am going to be straight blunt with you.  I have a tummy donut.  Or maybe a deflated basketball duct taped to my awesome six pack abs you just can't see is more like it.  Either way, if I were to wear jeans you would think I was smuggling chips under my shirt.  I may or may not restart T25... if you would like actual reviews on it let me know.... I do have downloaded  (but never used!) the Nike training club app. I was thinking about starting that up... who knows.  The yoga I am doing is Hatha.  I can post videos that will correspond with what I am doing in this class.  I also might rant about my wonderful choice in major.... nursing.  Why do people decide this as a major? I want to shoot myself.  Is anatomy even possible to pass? 

At any rate I am excited to kick back into my blog!  I have definitely missed y'all! 

A Spoonful of Sugar

I feel like I may have watched Mary Poppins too many times growing up.  I truly do believe that something with a high enough sugar content can make any shitty situation completely better.  Think about it, what was the best part of going to birthday parties? It wasn't watching your friend get cooler toys than you.  It was the cake.  What do they give kids after they get shots at the doctors office? A sucker, unless you had my pediatrician growing who gave you band aides and stickers. Yea I was deprived as a child.  What do pregnant women crave? Sweet stuff in every variety .  Face it, I am right and you know it.  Well, Mary Poppins was right.... I guess I'm just riding the coat tails in this one.  With that being established though, I had a shitty day yesterday.  One of those days where the stress just boils over.  And I am sure we all have our vices and knacks that we go to to relieve stress.  Normally I would power smoke a pack a cigarettes while baking enough for a small town.  Seeing as I am cutting back in all things in that statement, I only baked enough for half of that town.  Because not only do I bake when I am under a lot of strews, but duh! Sweet things are the cure to my shitty day. 

I actually started off cooking.  I guess you can call it cooking.... I made tuna pasta.  Basic little ditty really.  Celery, onions, frozen peas, tuna, sour cream, mayonnaise, and of course noodles.  Now I use these cute little noodles, they're like little bands and super adorable.  I don't even know the correct name for this noodle because I literally call them the tuna noodles.  Its a simple and quick dish that it a summer time staple really. You need it in your life. Are you doubting this? You're missing out, I promise.

But then of course I needed to bake some sweets.  I started off cheating, and thought that baking ore made cookie dough would suffice. Sadly, or maybe dumbly (is that even a word?) I was wrong.  I should have known better haha.  So it was time to whip up a batch of homemade cookies.  And of course I choose peanut butter because no one can go wrong with peanut butter.  Well, I guess if you're allergic you could go wring with peanut butter..... but most people can't go wrong with peanut butter. So on went the apron and on to baking we went.

For this recipe you're going to need:
3 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
16 tablespoons (2 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature
3/4 cup sugar
1 1/4 cups packed dark brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup creamy or crunchy peanut butter (I use creamy, but I have heard amazing things about crunchy)

I don't believe in double cookie sheets going at once.  I know this drags out the process but honestly if you want to perfect cookie, you need your rack in the center of the oven and only work with one sheet at a time.  With that being said, preheat your oven to 350°F.  Go ahead and butter (or Pam) your cookie sheets.  Whisk together your flour, baking soda and salt in a medium to large size bowl and set it off to the side. 
Now its time to pull out the old electric mixer.  You want to mix beat your butter with both sugars for about three minutes on medium speed until it becomes light and fluffy.  Next you're going to reduce speed slightly and add the eggs and the vanilla; beat until smooth a d well combined.  Scrape down the sides of the bowl.  Reduce speed to low and beat I n the flour mixture in two parts so as not to overwhelm the mixer (and make it easier on yourself).  Mix until its combines evenly. 

When you're adding the floor, make sure you go slow or you will end up with flour on your feet like I managed to do....

Roll one inch balls and place on your cookie sheet.  Flatten each ball by pressing the tined of a fork into a crisscross pattern.  Don't squish all the way down or you will have very crunchy, paper thin cookies.  Bake for 13 minutes, or until golder brown on bottom and barely colored on top.  Cool on pan for 5 minutes before transferring to a cooling rack.  Allow to completely cool. 

And voila! You have amazing peanut butter cookies! This recipe makes an obscene 80 cookies or so.  Make sure you have a crowd who will devour them, mine were gone within two days.  Yes its possible.  And no I didn't eat them all.

My tip, between each sheet of cookies, pace your self.  I normally took the out and let the cool for five minutes.  Then I waited another five before trying to put more cookie dough on that sheet,  otherwise your dough melts before you even get it into the over.  And who wants a gooey mess?  These cookies would be great during Christmas or just because you need some sugar.  Definitely a great rainy project for the kids! Hopefully y'all enjoy and it brings some sunshine to your afternoon. 

Coffee, God and Cigarettes

Does anyone else have this almost morning ritual?  I have had the same morning ritual for about five or so years now (with a few tweaks here and there). Every morning I get up and pour myself a nice cup o' Joe with a splash of creamer, sit down and hop on tumblr.  I'm not sure if it's the combination of something visual instead of reading that I prefer or the fact that sometimes I just need to look at a fitblr (for those who aren't familiar, that is a fitness blog on tumblr) for some extra motivation to get through the day, but tumblr has never been replaced with a newspaper or even an ebook.  However, now with a little one I have come to  realize how important those rituals can be.  We have fallen into a pattern (at only 3 months) and everyday like clockwork we stick right to it.  And no matter what I do to change this routine, the NICU made her sleep and eating patterns and she has not (a stubborn little one) been willing to let these times go.  

So you may ask what this NICU schedule was? Basically she ate at 1, 4, 7, 10 and repeat. Now I have been blessed by the Gods with an extremely good baby.  At 3 months (almost) she sleeps through the night. We haven't perfected night time yet but hey once she goes down, she is down for the night.  But our morning routine is a little like this...

6:30- Wake up and demand breakfast in bed right NOW

7:00- Now I want you to dance with me to whatever is playing on CMT 

7:30- Did I say stop?

7:45- This room is boring now, remind me what the rest of the house looks like

8:00- Now we will go outside or I will cry until we do. 

8:15- Let's cuddle on the couch, oh and I want 2 more ounces of milk

8:45- Oh it's 8:45 AM? More like PM, goodnight. 

By nine we are back asleep until at least about eleven.  Which gives me the perfect time for coffee and tumblr to unwind and finish waking up before I launch into my school books and take advantage of the sleeping beast.  Now as for the rest of the day its a crap shoot.  Lately we have been boycotting our afternoon nap so I have a cranky baby by 5, but that normally is cured by new people getting home from work.  Ya know, cause mom gets boring after awhile.  We are also going through a mommy stage, which means that during the day I better have that sling out and handy because if she isn't touching me, she isn't having it.  Only for someone so cute would I put up with that.  

Now on a completely unrelated note, I have found a song that speaks to my morning routine (not the routine with my child).  And as the song goes, those things really are the only things that keep me sane some days when the stress is just too much. 

I'll just leave that right here.... yea, right there. That works for me. 

And Tonight, Mommy Needed a Drink

There are always those days that you just sink into the couch at the end of the night and know that you deserve a drink.  Lately the little one had just been crying up a storm.  I am not sure who thought the terrible two's were the worst; but honestly I would take a child throwing a temper tantrum any day to a child who can't tell you why they're crying.  And then there are always those special nights where you have been run so ragged you can't tell ice cubes to Legos.

Lately the little one seems to know when I am trying to put her down for a nap, or the night.  And it is really starting to run me ragged.  How can someone so small be so smart?  Is this Baby Genius?  She will do anything to get out of sleeping.  She will start cooing so sweetly, smiling her little happy face right off.  Then she breaks out the A game, she reaches out and start holding your hand, or cuddling into the crook of your neck.  She is quite the little player to try and get what she wants.  And of course when all else fails she resorts to straight screaming until she is bright red and gasping for breath.

The struggle the other night just happened to be her ability to wake up at the most inopportune times.  No matter what we did her little eyes would pop right back open the second you tried to do anything other than give her your full and devoted attention.  Which is great, if you haven't been holding it for three hours, and now you need to go NOW.  So while you're doing the dance down the hallway, only inches from freedom, she starts to wail.  Normally I would just quick pee and run to her, a few moments of crying won't hurt her.  But she has been battling a cold and when she starts crying she gets so fired up she stops breathing.  Yea, its serious to her.  So I can't fathom letting her cry for even a moment.  But I can proudly say I have now mastered pulling down pants with one hand, seeing as you can't hold it forever... and she just had to come with.

Our new favorite game she likes to play is to projectile shoot the pacifier out of her mouth at the dog.  Only at the dog. Because apparently the dog is the best target.

That is love on both of their faces...

But as fun a Spa-tooey is (that is what we named her new favorite game), she has been an absolute doll with allowing me to study.  She has no problem curling up and listening to me talk about different body parts or the construction of the body.  As long as I am talk, she doesn't fuss.  And they said you're supposed to read to your children, they never specified as to what you're supposed to read.  Watch ten years from now you'll find out I did her right haha!  One can only hope; I mean we all damage our kids, one could hope something good comes from what we're doing! 

Now back to that drink? Just in case you needed a new one for the back to school weeks, I have one just for y'all! It's called the Slutty Soccer Mom.  It's 2 oz. vodka, 1 part grape juice and 1 part cherry juice. Come on, don't play dumb, you know you have all those ingredients in your van right now... including the vodka.